Hari ini saya berjumpa ahli syurga.
Perempuan.
Umur 7 tahun.
Ini kali pertama saya terpaksa cover tak nak menangis.
Doktor belum habis menerangkan lagi, mana boleh banjir.
Berulang kali saya cuba yakinkan diri saya.
Takdir yang Allah susun untuk adik ini sangat berhikmah.
Walau saya tak boleh nampak apa hikmah tu.
Saya pegang tangan dia. Lembik, sangat lembik.
Selak selimut tengok kaki dia.
Tepuk-tepuk tangan dia dan panggil nama dia. mata dia yang memang sedia tertutup hanya berkerut dan berkedip.
Kulit dia elok.tidak kering, tidak berbunga violet.
Cuma mungkin dari mulut dia melelah air liur sejejer.
Rupa-rupanya adik itu bakal ahli syurga.
Sejak lahir, otot pernafasan dia tidak boleh dipakai. sejak lahir ditemani alat bantuan pernafasan.
Lepas tu dia hanya boleh menggerakkan tangan pakai bahu dan pinggul.
Lepas tu otot leher tidak berfungsi. Kepala ditolak dengan bahu.
Sekarang dia tak ubah macam anak patung. mata terkatup terbuka.
Dengan keadaan yang macam tu, dia berjaya sembuh dari beberapa jangkitan yang kalau iktu logik akal adalah membunuh.
Bagi keluarga dia, terlalu berat untuk menerima keadaan anak yang macam tu.
Jadi sejak kecik, dia jadi ahli keluarga PICU.
Misi-misi lah yang menjaga dia sempurna macam tu.
Dan kami-kami, pelajar perubatan, jadi pelawat.
Adik yang Allah sayang,
terima kasih.
dalam keadaan adik yang macam boneka, adik dah buat 2 bakti untuk saya
sebab adik, saya akan selalu ingat macam mana rupanya pesakit yang ada hypotonic syndrome.
adik juga ajar saya jadi lebih bersyukur dan terus berfikir tentang takdir dan bersangka baik dengan Allah.
Pertama kalinya juga, saya betul-betul tahu siapa yang saya mahu jumpa di syurga.
Saya mahu jumpa boneka sayu di atas katil PICU tadi.
Dan waktu itu saya mahu senyum dan bukannya hampir mengangis macam tadi.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Men in My Life
I am at that phase of life where the friends are getting married and start to reproduce.
I don't know how it is in other places but in Malaysia, if you are still single, people will keep asking when are you getting a partner.
And f u already have one, the question will chnage into when are you getting married.
and if you are newlyweds, people will ask when are you going to expand the number.
I appreciate that people are still asking about my condition but to be bugged with the same questions over and over again, one is bound to be fed up with it.
And I am only at question number one. Allah helps me!
Back in high school, I had series of boys I fancy.
Nothing much, just raging teenage hormones.
Lucky for me, everything stayed at fancying, nothing more.
Which means
* I didn't go a long way to impress others, saved for a couple of letters, of which I hope never exist anymore.
* I never had to fork my money out well except for one gift that costs like 10 ringgit. it did more damage to my time than my money to come out with what gift will I give
I have the question "do u have anyone in mind?" on repeat until now.
I'd be lying if I say no.
But then I don't think I consider that anyone so seriously.
It's more like if it's meant to be then it will be.
And it all boils down to the men in my life.
You see, I have a father who dotes on me in his own way and 2 brothers that love me more than I can ask for.
For example, if any suspicious soul ask of me, the youngest will casually tell him that I am long dead.
My brothers and father take me anywhere it's better than dating. I just have to tell them where.
From the books vendors at the far back of Chowrasta market to the fruit stall in an alley to wander in the mall.
Imagine going on a date with my make believe boyfriend. I couldnt even hold his hand.
For me I don't need a boyfriend to buy me anything I want.
I don't even have to ask, my dad do that.
Let's go to pasar malam (I did this on almost everyday basis when I am in Penang)
What do you want to eat?
Do you want to order another bowl?
Alhamdulillah, sometimes, I opened my closet to gifts.
Keychains.
Tumbler.
Bag.
Scarf.
Last trip to Langkawi, the youngest gifted me with a seashell bangle.
Just a few days ago, Nazri offered me book vouchers.
I think I am spoilt rotten. Thus I still don't feel the necessity to get hitched.
I have 3 men to take care, protect and ove me. and yes, even paying zakat fitrah for me.
Then men in my life will always be paying zakat fitrah for me. I want that.
The zakat will tie us no matter where we are.
and ameen to that.
Thank you Allah and I ask Your grace to send me, my mom and these 3 men into your jannah.
I don't know how it is in other places but in Malaysia, if you are still single, people will keep asking when are you getting a partner.
And f u already have one, the question will chnage into when are you getting married.
and if you are newlyweds, people will ask when are you going to expand the number.
I appreciate that people are still asking about my condition but to be bugged with the same questions over and over again, one is bound to be fed up with it.
And I am only at question number one. Allah helps me!
Back in high school, I had series of boys I fancy.
Nothing much, just raging teenage hormones.
Lucky for me, everything stayed at fancying, nothing more.
Which means
* I didn't go a long way to impress others, saved for a couple of letters, of which I hope never exist anymore.
* I never had to fork my money out well except for one gift that costs like 10 ringgit. it did more damage to my time than my money to come out with what gift will I give
I have the question "do u have anyone in mind?" on repeat until now.
I'd be lying if I say no.
But then I don't think I consider that anyone so seriously.
It's more like if it's meant to be then it will be.
And it all boils down to the men in my life.
You see, I have a father who dotes on me in his own way and 2 brothers that love me more than I can ask for.
For example, if any suspicious soul ask of me, the youngest will casually tell him that I am long dead.
My brothers and father take me anywhere it's better than dating. I just have to tell them where.
From the books vendors at the far back of Chowrasta market to the fruit stall in an alley to wander in the mall.
Imagine going on a date with my make believe boyfriend. I couldnt even hold his hand.
For me I don't need a boyfriend to buy me anything I want.
I don't even have to ask, my dad do that.
Let's go to pasar malam (I did this on almost everyday basis when I am in Penang)
What do you want to eat?
Do you want to order another bowl?
Alhamdulillah, sometimes, I opened my closet to gifts.
Keychains.
Tumbler.
Bag.
Scarf.
Last trip to Langkawi, the youngest gifted me with a seashell bangle.
Just a few days ago, Nazri offered me book vouchers.
I think I am spoilt rotten. Thus I still don't feel the necessity to get hitched.
I have 3 men to take care, protect and ove me. and yes, even paying zakat fitrah for me.
Then men in my life will always be paying zakat fitrah for me. I want that.
The zakat will tie us no matter where we are.
and ameen to that.
Thank you Allah and I ask Your grace to send me, my mom and these 3 men into your jannah.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Lidah Bercabang
Amaran : entri ini ialah entri emo. penuh dengan ketidakpuasan hati penulis dan atas sebab-sebab yang jelas, adalah ditulis di dalam bahasa ibunda penulis
Kebarangkalian adalah besar untuk setiap orang yang hidup melebihi usia 20 tahun di dunia ini untuk berjumpa dengan orang lidah bercabang. Penulis ditakdirkan untuk bukan sahaja berjumpa, malah terpaksa berada di dalam satu kumpulan dengan seorang lidah bercabang. cukuplah penulis menggelarnya kerismas.
Di awal perkenalan, telah terserlah sikapnya yang suka memutarbelitkan kebanyakan perkara. tetapi disebabkan penulis ialah seorang yang lurus bendul dan lebih cenderung kepada mengharapkan setiap orang itu sifat lahiriahnya tulus dan jujur, penulis telah banyak kali kena libas. hangin saja setiap kali.
Oh, beliau mempunyai anutan yang berbeza dari penulis dan semasa penulis masih tidak matang, selalu bertikam lidah berkenaan perbezaan ini. Kini, penulis sedar apa yang ditimbulkan kerismas sentiasa berdalangkan unsur provokasi. dan kerismas ialah seorang yang bijak memanipulasi fakta yang seciput yang dimilikinya.
Kehidupan penulis aman damai pada semester musim sejuk lepas kerana kerismas amat jarang menghadiri praktikal-praktikal. Ini kerana setiap pembahagian kumpulan, kami pasti akan berada dalam kumpulan yang sama kerana nama keluarga kami bermula dengan huruf dabeliu. Bahagianya usah dikata sampaikan ketika mendapatkan tandatangan kredit untuk subjek internal medicine, kerismas terus meluru ke depan dan menjadi orang pertama mendapatkannya walaupun dia hanya ke kelas lebih kurang 3 kali sahaja, penulis kurang tak puas hati.
Penulis sangat syak yang kerismas selalu menipu tetapi tidak mempunyai bukti-bukti konkrit. kecuali untuk kelas mata. kerismas hanya ke kelas sekali!dan apabila ditanya guru, jawapannya, kaki patah. Penipu! gambar-gambar di laman sosial jelas menunjukkan kerismas di mana-mana sahaja ~ wayang, pantai tropika,majlis kahwin ~kecuali di kelas.
Pada suatu hari yang tenang di dalam kelas yang boring, pensyarah yang bersikap sangat skeptikal dan straightforward macam peluru scud sedang membincangkan musik ~ musik Barat, zaman 70-an. musik yang selari yang penulis ketahui hanyalah twinkle-twinkle little star, marry had a little lamb, humpty dumpty, baaa baa black sheep dan london bridge. keris mas berada di dalam kelas tersebut dan memprovokasi pandangan pensyarah.apa itu punk dan tahukah kamu apa nama kumpulan-kumpulan punk yang wujud. bila kerismas membuka mulut memprovokasi, penulis terus tanpa rasa bersalah cuba untuk tidoq. terus tak jadi tidoq selepas beberapa ketika pensyarah dengan penuh yakin bergaya berkata "saya mintak maaf saya kata ni, tapi kamu tidak punya idea pun tentang apa yang kamu kata". dialog setelah dialih bahasa. woooweeeee. cincha daebak la cikgu aku ni.terus saham naik mencanak-canak di mata sepetku. he said the truth and he said it splendidly well. terdiam kau kerismas tu.kalau boleh nak tepuk tangan kuat2 sampai sakit.
Dan hari ini nasib malang lagi terpaksa satu kumpulan dengan kerismas.seb baik kumpulan besaq. seorang kawan senegara yang ikhlas dan benar-benar ingin tahu telah bertanya kepada pensyarah kelas kebersihan dan perubatan pencegahan. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"chegu, chegu, apa relevannya orang zaman dulu hidup begitu lama sampai beratus tahun dan dengan perubahan zaman, orang kini mepunyai purata hidup 70-80 tahun?adakah faktor pencemaran alam sekitar memainkan peranan penting"
cikgu muka blur cuba register apa yang ditanya. pada pandangan penulis yang tak semestinya betul : cikgu ingat zaman dulu = zaman kolonial. zaman kolonial, banyak wabak tersebar meluas dan ramai yang mati dalam umur pramatang.
penulis faham kawan penulis maksudkan zaman dulu = ancient time bukan medieval time nor colonial time.
zaman purbakala bukan zaman kesultanan melayu melaka.
" oh. contohnya adam dan hawa kan hidup hampir seribu tahun."
dan kerismas tanpa berlengah lagi terus menjadi lahanat dengan mencantas. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"kau mana boleh samakan kepercayaan kau dengan orang lain. untuk semua yang kita tahu, mungkin cikgu tak percaya pun yang adam hawa tu wujud"
lahanat tak?suka digress dari topik asal.
oh, cikgu masa tu baru cua nak faham soalan apabila kerismas tiba2 menyampuk.
padahal beberapa ketika sebelum tu dia selamba badak ayaq saja kata manusia asal dari beruk. hello *sambil angkat tangan tanda stop*, kau mungkin asal dari beruk, aku tidak. masa tu tak pikiaq pulak pasai pandangan/kepercayaan org lain. practise what you preach la wei.
dalam cuba meredakan kekalutan yang berlaku, panulis cuba menerangkan situasi yang rakan sedang bertanya pasal manusia purbakala.
kerismas mencantas "mana kau tau dia hidup ratus riban tahun?"
penulis : kau buat la ujian karbon. boleh tau umoq depa pakai cara tu
kerismas : ooo, ada eh sisa2 adam hawa. kau jumpak mana. (lihatlah dunia, inilah yang buat aku benci nak merelevankan benda dengan makhluk yang tak perofesyional macam ni)
penulis bercakap dengan cikgu : oh cikgu penah dengaq pasai methuselah?
semua org termasuk cikgu dalam kelas serabut dan blur dan tak tau pasai Methuselah. ah, lupakan Methuselah. apa2 ajelah.
Rakan, kini kau selamatkanlah diri kau
Kerismas bertali arus menentang itu ini.
Ujian karbon hanya uji karbon mpatblaih lah. tak boleh uji umoq lah. yang dia uji hanya jangka masa dari kematian sampai ujian dilakukan lah.
ok penulis mcm whatever lah kau.
sampai satu tahap dia cakap
ujian karbon tak boleh menentukan umoq la.itu sampah. tongsampahkan itu.
disebabkan penulis sangat tsiqah dengan apa yang penulis tahu sebab rasanya baru baca pasai ujian karbon. tapi penulis mungkin salah.
macam mana penulis boleh pi baca pasai ujian karbon?oh, penulis mmg suka baca benda2 yang pelik2.
dengan lajunya penulis menwikipedia pasai ujian karbon.
alhamdulillah, tertera dalam wikipedia, yang ujian karbon ialah untuk mengesahkan hayat/umoq sesuatu makhluk.
nah hamekkau.
lepaih kerismas baca kat wikipedia, dia sengap macam tikuih. selepas mengtongsampahkan fakta, tiada kata maaf diucapkan. takpa la, penulis tak perlukan maaf dari orang mcm kau kerismas.
Pengajaran dari cerita panjang berjela ini ialah, bak kata cikgu yang skeptikal tu, janganlah kau pung pang benda yang kau tak tau sangat.
Pengajaran lain, cubalah hormat pandangan orang lain. boleh kalau nak tak bersetuju, tapi luahkanlah dengan relevandan bertempat. buang sikap suka memprovok tu.
adios.
Kebarangkalian adalah besar untuk setiap orang yang hidup melebihi usia 20 tahun di dunia ini untuk berjumpa dengan orang lidah bercabang. Penulis ditakdirkan untuk bukan sahaja berjumpa, malah terpaksa berada di dalam satu kumpulan dengan seorang lidah bercabang. cukuplah penulis menggelarnya kerismas.
Di awal perkenalan, telah terserlah sikapnya yang suka memutarbelitkan kebanyakan perkara. tetapi disebabkan penulis ialah seorang yang lurus bendul dan lebih cenderung kepada mengharapkan setiap orang itu sifat lahiriahnya tulus dan jujur, penulis telah banyak kali kena libas. hangin saja setiap kali.
Oh, beliau mempunyai anutan yang berbeza dari penulis dan semasa penulis masih tidak matang, selalu bertikam lidah berkenaan perbezaan ini. Kini, penulis sedar apa yang ditimbulkan kerismas sentiasa berdalangkan unsur provokasi. dan kerismas ialah seorang yang bijak memanipulasi fakta yang seciput yang dimilikinya.
Kehidupan penulis aman damai pada semester musim sejuk lepas kerana kerismas amat jarang menghadiri praktikal-praktikal. Ini kerana setiap pembahagian kumpulan, kami pasti akan berada dalam kumpulan yang sama kerana nama keluarga kami bermula dengan huruf dabeliu. Bahagianya usah dikata sampaikan ketika mendapatkan tandatangan kredit untuk subjek internal medicine, kerismas terus meluru ke depan dan menjadi orang pertama mendapatkannya walaupun dia hanya ke kelas lebih kurang 3 kali sahaja, penulis kurang tak puas hati.
Penulis sangat syak yang kerismas selalu menipu tetapi tidak mempunyai bukti-bukti konkrit. kecuali untuk kelas mata. kerismas hanya ke kelas sekali!dan apabila ditanya guru, jawapannya, kaki patah. Penipu! gambar-gambar di laman sosial jelas menunjukkan kerismas di mana-mana sahaja ~ wayang, pantai tropika,majlis kahwin ~kecuali di kelas.
Pada suatu hari yang tenang di dalam kelas yang boring, pensyarah yang bersikap sangat skeptikal dan straightforward macam peluru scud sedang membincangkan musik ~ musik Barat, zaman 70-an. musik yang selari yang penulis ketahui hanyalah twinkle-twinkle little star, marry had a little lamb, humpty dumpty, baaa baa black sheep dan london bridge. keris mas berada di dalam kelas tersebut dan memprovokasi pandangan pensyarah.apa itu punk dan tahukah kamu apa nama kumpulan-kumpulan punk yang wujud. bila kerismas membuka mulut memprovokasi, penulis terus tanpa rasa bersalah cuba untuk tidoq. terus tak jadi tidoq selepas beberapa ketika pensyarah dengan penuh yakin bergaya berkata "saya mintak maaf saya kata ni, tapi kamu tidak punya idea pun tentang apa yang kamu kata". dialog setelah dialih bahasa. woooweeeee. cincha daebak la cikgu aku ni.terus saham naik mencanak-canak di mata sepetku. he said the truth and he said it splendidly well. terdiam kau kerismas tu.kalau boleh nak tepuk tangan kuat2 sampai sakit.
Dan hari ini nasib malang lagi terpaksa satu kumpulan dengan kerismas.seb baik kumpulan besaq. seorang kawan senegara yang ikhlas dan benar-benar ingin tahu telah bertanya kepada pensyarah kelas kebersihan dan perubatan pencegahan. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"chegu, chegu, apa relevannya orang zaman dulu hidup begitu lama sampai beratus tahun dan dengan perubahan zaman, orang kini mepunyai purata hidup 70-80 tahun?adakah faktor pencemaran alam sekitar memainkan peranan penting"
cikgu muka blur cuba register apa yang ditanya. pada pandangan penulis yang tak semestinya betul : cikgu ingat zaman dulu = zaman kolonial. zaman kolonial, banyak wabak tersebar meluas dan ramai yang mati dalam umur pramatang.
penulis faham kawan penulis maksudkan zaman dulu = ancient time bukan medieval time nor colonial time.
zaman purbakala bukan zaman kesultanan melayu melaka.
" oh. contohnya adam dan hawa kan hidup hampir seribu tahun."
dan kerismas tanpa berlengah lagi terus menjadi lahanat dengan mencantas. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"kau mana boleh samakan kepercayaan kau dengan orang lain. untuk semua yang kita tahu, mungkin cikgu tak percaya pun yang adam hawa tu wujud"
lahanat tak?suka digress dari topik asal.
oh, cikgu masa tu baru cua nak faham soalan apabila kerismas tiba2 menyampuk.
padahal beberapa ketika sebelum tu dia selamba badak ayaq saja kata manusia asal dari beruk. hello *sambil angkat tangan tanda stop*, kau mungkin asal dari beruk, aku tidak. masa tu tak pikiaq pulak pasai pandangan/kepercayaan org lain. practise what you preach la wei.
dalam cuba meredakan kekalutan yang berlaku, panulis cuba menerangkan situasi yang rakan sedang bertanya pasal manusia purbakala.
kerismas mencantas "mana kau tau dia hidup ratus riban tahun?"
penulis : kau buat la ujian karbon. boleh tau umoq depa pakai cara tu
kerismas : ooo, ada eh sisa2 adam hawa. kau jumpak mana. (lihatlah dunia, inilah yang buat aku benci nak merelevankan benda dengan makhluk yang tak perofesyional macam ni)
penulis bercakap dengan cikgu : oh cikgu penah dengaq pasai methuselah?
semua org termasuk cikgu dalam kelas serabut dan blur dan tak tau pasai Methuselah. ah, lupakan Methuselah. apa2 ajelah.
Rakan, kini kau selamatkanlah diri kau
Kerismas bertali arus menentang itu ini.
Ujian karbon hanya uji karbon mpatblaih lah. tak boleh uji umoq lah. yang dia uji hanya jangka masa dari kematian sampai ujian dilakukan lah.
ok penulis mcm whatever lah kau.
sampai satu tahap dia cakap
ujian karbon tak boleh menentukan umoq la.itu sampah. tongsampahkan itu.
disebabkan penulis sangat tsiqah dengan apa yang penulis tahu sebab rasanya baru baca pasai ujian karbon. tapi penulis mungkin salah.
macam mana penulis boleh pi baca pasai ujian karbon?oh, penulis mmg suka baca benda2 yang pelik2.
dengan lajunya penulis menwikipedia pasai ujian karbon.
alhamdulillah, tertera dalam wikipedia, yang ujian karbon ialah untuk mengesahkan hayat/umoq sesuatu makhluk.
nah hamekkau.
lepaih kerismas baca kat wikipedia, dia sengap macam tikuih. selepas mengtongsampahkan fakta, tiada kata maaf diucapkan. takpa la, penulis tak perlukan maaf dari orang mcm kau kerismas.
Pengajaran dari cerita panjang berjela ini ialah, bak kata cikgu yang skeptikal tu, janganlah kau pung pang benda yang kau tak tau sangat.
Pengajaran lain, cubalah hormat pandangan orang lain. boleh kalau nak tak bersetuju, tapi luahkanlah dengan relevandan bertempat. buang sikap suka memprovok tu.
adios.
Freezing Winter
Back in winter 2008/2009, I was still in tropical Palachova although outside were piles of snow and temperature averaging -10 degrees. I need no socks and sweaters to keep me warm because we had the heaters full blast and we didnt have to pay extra for it.
But continuing with the habit when we moved into private apartment is a huga mistake. and it took us years and thousands of crowns before we learned our lesson.
That it is always ok to return to a freezing home. turn the heater on few hours before you sleep and still don't put it on full blast.
Ask the landlord to seal any gap. the gaps are point of entry of cruel wind and decrease the efficiency of house heating. The cost is not your problem. it's the landlord problem.
it's cheaper to be decked in socks and sweaters/jumpers. unless you don't mind paying an arm for the luxury to go around your house sporting spaghetti top and shorts in the winter.
it's ok to have very warm bath (because I always wash once a day in winter and that's it)but it's always better to do dishes using lukewarm water. don't keep the water running all the time. scrub all in one go and wash all in another go.
on top of all these, make yourself warm. drink hot cocoa and tea or coffee.whatever you like.
Be smart and be warm.
And all I wish is a snowy winter. at least it compensates the bitterness of the cold.
But continuing with the habit when we moved into private apartment is a huga mistake. and it took us years and thousands of crowns before we learned our lesson.
That it is always ok to return to a freezing home. turn the heater on few hours before you sleep and still don't put it on full blast.
Ask the landlord to seal any gap. the gaps are point of entry of cruel wind and decrease the efficiency of house heating. The cost is not your problem. it's the landlord problem.
it's cheaper to be decked in socks and sweaters/jumpers. unless you don't mind paying an arm for the luxury to go around your house sporting spaghetti top and shorts in the winter.
it's ok to have very warm bath (because I always wash once a day in winter and that's it)but it's always better to do dishes using lukewarm water. don't keep the water running all the time. scrub all in one go and wash all in another go.
on top of all these, make yourself warm. drink hot cocoa and tea or coffee.whatever you like.
Be smart and be warm.
And all I wish is a snowy winter. at least it compensates the bitterness of the cold.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Communication
One of the options that I considered after SPM was to study international relationships.
Thanks Allah, that didn't get realised. Phew!
I deluded myself that I am diplomatic at my very best.
I mean it's hard to find someone as honest as moi.
If you grow a belly, I will not tell you that u are in shape.
But delusion is, well, delusion.
There's difference in being honest and tactless.
and I am lousy with words when it comes to verbal communication.
I once set fire ablaze by asking my teacher what is his motive wanting us to still go for marching band.
I had no idea that the word motive carry such an intensity.
Many times, in the midst of conversation, I'll go rummaging through my brain trying to find the word.
anyway back to the topic.
have you ever get snail mails, emails or flymails aka surat layang?
not the cards that say happy birthday and pen off with sender's signature.
I am talking about personal kind of messages.
Like the snail mail your friend wrote to you detailing about her current life, obsessions and inquiring about yours.
The cards that's filled to the brim with words.
have you ever got anything like that?
if you do, you should know the feeling of reading through the contents.
the comfort and joy that piece of parchment brings to you
you are swimming through the letters.
I try to find that feeling in these particular letters.
I read them through and through.
when i started, I am totally at a different wavelength from the sender.
membaca tanpa jiwa. tahu?
but glory be to Allah, I am slowly getting there, trying to swim in the words.
trying to understand and live through the contents.
on another note, I am currently reading Reclaim Your Heart.
First chapter is about attachments.
It totally reached out to me.
I used to think that I keep the minimum ties. You see, I am afraid of commitments. I shy away from posts in societies, I don't form an item with another friend, and as much as I love my family, I am still in a limbo whether to stay with them or keep being a nomad.
More than I am afraid to hurt others by crushing their expectation that I will be there for them, I am more afraid to be left.
becaused actually, I am the one to get attached. *sigh*
i finished the attachment chapter and went into love chapter.
I was like, uhum,uhum, reading through the chapter.
total disconnection apart from the last part.
up to now I still can not relate to what the author is saying about love.
to say that I have never be in love is stretching the boundaries too much.
Hands down I love my folks and my brothers
Maybe the writer is talking a lot about ajnabi love (love between a man and a woman)
and my greatest concern is to not enter into a man-woman relationship other than nikah.
= I have never experienced love firsthand.
I may not look much like it but I know my limits.
I had my fair share of infatuations and close calls to commit to relationship as a teenager but to go on a date is a complicated maths ~ do i have to really be superfine to eat even when my stomach is grumbling? are the investions like gifts and paid meals worth it? and most importantly why the heck would I want to go on a date when I can't even hold hands.
i am stingy like that because a relationship outside marriage is like a spiderweb.
i rambled enough. would you please keep this just in the confine of my comment box or yourself. thank you =)
Thanks Allah, that didn't get realised. Phew!
I deluded myself that I am diplomatic at my very best.
I mean it's hard to find someone as honest as moi.
If you grow a belly, I will not tell you that u are in shape.
But delusion is, well, delusion.
There's difference in being honest and tactless.
and I am lousy with words when it comes to verbal communication.
I once set fire ablaze by asking my teacher what is his motive wanting us to still go for marching band.
I had no idea that the word motive carry such an intensity.
Many times, in the midst of conversation, I'll go rummaging through my brain trying to find the word.
anyway back to the topic.
have you ever get snail mails, emails or flymails aka surat layang?
not the cards that say happy birthday and pen off with sender's signature.
I am talking about personal kind of messages.
Like the snail mail your friend wrote to you detailing about her current life, obsessions and inquiring about yours.
The cards that's filled to the brim with words.
have you ever got anything like that?
if you do, you should know the feeling of reading through the contents.
the comfort and joy that piece of parchment brings to you
you are swimming through the letters.
I try to find that feeling in these particular letters.
I read them through and through.
when i started, I am totally at a different wavelength from the sender.
membaca tanpa jiwa. tahu?
but glory be to Allah, I am slowly getting there, trying to swim in the words.
trying to understand and live through the contents.
on another note, I am currently reading Reclaim Your Heart.
First chapter is about attachments.
It totally reached out to me.
I used to think that I keep the minimum ties. You see, I am afraid of commitments. I shy away from posts in societies, I don't form an item with another friend, and as much as I love my family, I am still in a limbo whether to stay with them or keep being a nomad.
More than I am afraid to hurt others by crushing their expectation that I will be there for them, I am more afraid to be left.
becaused actually, I am the one to get attached. *sigh*
i finished the attachment chapter and went into love chapter.
I was like, uhum,uhum, reading through the chapter.
total disconnection apart from the last part.
up to now I still can not relate to what the author is saying about love.
to say that I have never be in love is stretching the boundaries too much.
Hands down I love my folks and my brothers
Maybe the writer is talking a lot about ajnabi love (love between a man and a woman)
and my greatest concern is to not enter into a man-woman relationship other than nikah.
= I have never experienced love firsthand.
I may not look much like it but I know my limits.
I had my fair share of infatuations and close calls to commit to relationship as a teenager but to go on a date is a complicated maths ~ do i have to really be superfine to eat even when my stomach is grumbling? are the investions like gifts and paid meals worth it? and most importantly why the heck would I want to go on a date when I can't even hold hands.
i am stingy like that because a relationship outside marriage is like a spiderweb.
i rambled enough. would you please keep this just in the confine of my comment box or yourself. thank you =)
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