Communication

One of the options that I considered after SPM was to study international relationships.
Thanks Allah, that didn't get realised. Phew!
I deluded myself that I am diplomatic at my very best.
I mean it's hard to find someone as honest as moi.
If you grow a belly, I will not tell you that u are in shape.
But delusion is, well, delusion.

There's difference in being honest and tactless.
and I am lousy with words when it comes to verbal communication.
I once set fire ablaze by asking my teacher what is his motive wanting us to still go for marching band.
I had no idea that the word motive carry such an intensity.
Many times, in the midst of conversation, I'll go rummaging through my brain trying to find the word.

anyway back to the topic.
have you ever get snail mails, emails or flymails aka surat layang?
not the cards that say happy birthday and pen off with sender's signature.
I am talking about personal kind of messages.
Like the snail mail your friend wrote to you detailing about her current life, obsessions and inquiring about yours.
The cards that's filled to the brim with words.
have you ever got anything like that?

if you do, you should know the feeling of reading through the contents.
the comfort and joy that piece of parchment brings to you
you are swimming through the letters.
I try to find that feeling in these particular letters.
I read them through and through.
when i started, I am totally at a different wavelength from the sender.
membaca tanpa jiwa. tahu?
but glory be to Allah, I am slowly getting there, trying to swim in the words.
trying to understand and live through the contents.

on another note, I am currently reading Reclaim Your Heart.
First chapter is about attachments.
It totally reached out to me.
I used to think that I keep the minimum ties. You see, I am afraid of commitments. I shy away from posts in societies, I don't form an item with another friend, and as much as I love my family, I am still in a limbo whether to stay with them or keep being a nomad.
More than I am afraid to hurt others by crushing their expectation that I will be there for them, I am more afraid to be left.
becaused actually, I am the one to get attached. *sigh*

i finished the attachment chapter and went into love chapter.
I was like, uhum,uhum, reading through the chapter.
total disconnection apart from the last part.
up to now I still can not relate to what the author is saying about love.
to say that I have never be in love is stretching the boundaries too much.
Hands down I love my folks and my brothers
Maybe the writer is talking a lot about ajnabi love (love between a man and a woman)
and my greatest concern is to not enter into a man-woman relationship other than nikah.
= I have never experienced love firsthand.
I may not look much like it but I know my limits.
I had my fair share of infatuations and close calls to commit to relationship as a teenager but to go on a date is a complicated maths ~ do i have to really be superfine to eat even when my stomach is grumbling? are the investions like gifts and paid meals worth it? and most importantly why the heck would I want to go on a date when I can't even hold hands.
i am stingy like that because a relationship outside marriage is like a spiderweb.

i rambled enough. would you please keep this just in the confine of my comment box or yourself. thank you =)