Sunday, March 17, 2013

Men in My Life

I am at that phase of life where the friends are getting married and start to reproduce.
I don't know how it is in other places but in Malaysia, if you are still single, people will keep asking when are you getting a partner.
And f u already have one, the question will chnage into when are you getting married.
and if you are newlyweds, people will ask when are you going to expand the number.
I appreciate that people are still asking about my condition but to be bugged with the same questions over and over again, one is bound to be fed up with it.
And I am only at question number one. Allah helps me!

Back in high school, I had series of boys I fancy.
Nothing much, just raging teenage hormones.
Lucky for me, everything stayed at fancying, nothing more.
Which means
* I didn't go a long way to impress others, saved for a couple of letters, of which I hope never exist anymore.
* I never had to fork my money out well except for one gift that costs like 10 ringgit. it did more damage to my time than my money to come out with what gift will I give

I have the question "do u have anyone in mind?" on repeat until now.
I'd be lying if I say no.
But then I don't think I consider that anyone so seriously.
It's more like if it's meant to be then it will be.

And it all boils down to the men in my life.
You see, I have a father who dotes on me in his own way and 2 brothers that love me more than I can ask for.
For example, if any suspicious soul ask of me, the youngest will casually tell him that I am long dead.
My brothers and father take me anywhere it's better than dating. I just have to tell them where.
From the books vendors at the far back of Chowrasta market to the fruit stall in an alley to wander in the mall.
Imagine going on a date with my make believe boyfriend. I couldnt even hold his hand.
For me I don't need a boyfriend to buy me anything I want.
I don't even have to ask, my dad do that.
Let's go to pasar malam (I did this on almost everyday basis when I am in Penang)
What do you want to eat?
Do you want to order another bowl?
Alhamdulillah, sometimes, I opened my closet to gifts.
Keychains.
Tumbler.
Bag.
Scarf.
Last trip to Langkawi, the youngest gifted me with a seashell bangle.
Just a few days ago, Nazri offered me book vouchers.

I think I am spoilt rotten. Thus I still don't feel the necessity to get hitched.
I have 3 men to take care, protect and ove me. and yes, even paying zakat fitrah for me.
Then men in my life will always be paying zakat fitrah for me. I want that.
The zakat will tie us no matter where we are.
and ameen to that.
Thank you Allah and I ask Your grace to send me, my mom and these 3 men into your jannah.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Lidah Bercabang

Amaran : entri ini ialah entri emo. penuh dengan ketidakpuasan hati penulis dan atas sebab-sebab yang jelas, adalah ditulis di dalam bahasa ibunda penulis

Kebarangkalian adalah besar untuk setiap orang yang hidup melebihi usia 20 tahun di dunia ini untuk berjumpa dengan orang lidah bercabang. Penulis ditakdirkan untuk bukan sahaja berjumpa, malah terpaksa berada di dalam satu kumpulan dengan seorang lidah bercabang. cukuplah penulis menggelarnya kerismas.

Di awal perkenalan, telah terserlah sikapnya yang suka memutarbelitkan kebanyakan perkara. tetapi disebabkan penulis ialah seorang yang lurus bendul dan lebih cenderung kepada mengharapkan setiap orang itu sifat lahiriahnya tulus dan jujur, penulis telah banyak kali kena libas. hangin saja setiap kali.

Oh, beliau mempunyai anutan yang berbeza dari penulis dan semasa penulis masih tidak matang, selalu bertikam lidah berkenaan perbezaan ini. Kini, penulis sedar apa yang ditimbulkan kerismas sentiasa berdalangkan unsur provokasi. dan kerismas ialah seorang yang bijak memanipulasi fakta yang seciput yang dimilikinya.

Kehidupan penulis aman damai pada semester musim sejuk lepas kerana kerismas amat jarang menghadiri praktikal-praktikal. Ini kerana setiap pembahagian kumpulan, kami pasti akan berada dalam kumpulan yang sama kerana nama keluarga kami bermula dengan huruf dabeliu. Bahagianya usah dikata sampaikan ketika mendapatkan tandatangan kredit untuk subjek internal medicine, kerismas terus meluru ke depan dan menjadi orang pertama mendapatkannya walaupun dia hanya ke kelas lebih kurang 3 kali sahaja, penulis kurang tak puas hati.

Penulis sangat syak yang kerismas selalu menipu tetapi tidak mempunyai bukti-bukti konkrit. kecuali untuk kelas mata. kerismas hanya ke kelas sekali!dan apabila ditanya guru, jawapannya, kaki patah. Penipu! gambar-gambar di laman sosial jelas menunjukkan kerismas di mana-mana sahaja ~ wayang, pantai tropika,majlis kahwin ~kecuali di kelas.

Pada suatu hari yang tenang di dalam kelas yang boring, pensyarah yang bersikap sangat skeptikal dan straightforward macam peluru scud sedang membincangkan musik ~ musik Barat, zaman 70-an. musik yang selari yang penulis ketahui hanyalah twinkle-twinkle little star, marry had a little lamb, humpty dumpty, baaa baa black sheep dan london bridge. keris mas berada di dalam kelas tersebut dan memprovokasi pandangan pensyarah.apa itu punk dan tahukah kamu apa nama kumpulan-kumpulan punk yang wujud. bila kerismas membuka mulut memprovokasi, penulis terus tanpa rasa bersalah cuba untuk tidoq. terus tak jadi tidoq selepas beberapa ketika pensyarah dengan penuh yakin bergaya berkata "saya mintak maaf saya kata ni, tapi kamu tidak punya idea pun tentang apa yang kamu kata". dialog setelah dialih bahasa. woooweeeee. cincha daebak la cikgu aku ni.terus saham naik mencanak-canak di mata sepetku. he said the truth and he said it splendidly well. terdiam kau kerismas tu.kalau boleh nak tepuk tangan kuat2 sampai sakit.

Dan hari ini nasib malang lagi terpaksa satu kumpulan dengan kerismas.seb baik kumpulan besaq. seorang kawan senegara yang ikhlas dan benar-benar ingin tahu telah bertanya kepada pensyarah kelas kebersihan dan perubatan pencegahan. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"chegu, chegu, apa relevannya orang zaman dulu hidup begitu lama sampai beratus tahun dan dengan perubahan zaman, orang kini mepunyai purata hidup 70-80 tahun?adakah faktor pencemaran alam sekitar memainkan peranan penting"
cikgu muka blur cuba register apa yang ditanya. pada pandangan penulis yang tak semestinya betul : cikgu ingat zaman dulu = zaman kolonial. zaman kolonial, banyak wabak tersebar meluas dan ramai yang mati dalam umur pramatang.
penulis faham kawan penulis maksudkan zaman dulu = ancient time bukan medieval time nor colonial time.
zaman purbakala bukan zaman kesultanan melayu melaka.
" oh. contohnya adam dan hawa kan hidup hampir seribu tahun."
dan kerismas tanpa berlengah lagi terus menjadi lahanat dengan mencantas. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"kau mana boleh samakan kepercayaan kau dengan orang lain. untuk semua yang kita tahu, mungkin cikgu tak percaya pun yang adam hawa tu wujud"
lahanat tak?suka digress dari topik asal.
oh, cikgu masa tu baru cua nak faham soalan apabila kerismas tiba2 menyampuk.
padahal beberapa ketika sebelum tu dia selamba badak ayaq saja kata manusia asal dari beruk. hello *sambil angkat tangan tanda stop*, kau mungkin asal dari beruk, aku tidak. masa tu tak pikiaq pulak pasai pandangan/kepercayaan org lain. practise what you preach la wei.
dalam cuba meredakan kekalutan yang berlaku, panulis cuba menerangkan situasi yang rakan sedang bertanya pasal manusia purbakala.
kerismas mencantas "mana kau tau dia hidup ratus riban tahun?"
penulis : kau buat la ujian karbon. boleh tau umoq depa pakai cara tu
kerismas : ooo, ada eh sisa2 adam hawa. kau jumpak mana. (lihatlah dunia, inilah yang buat aku benci nak merelevankan benda dengan makhluk yang tak perofesyional macam ni)
penulis bercakap dengan cikgu : oh cikgu penah dengaq pasai methuselah?
semua org termasuk cikgu dalam kelas serabut dan blur dan tak tau pasai Methuselah. ah, lupakan Methuselah. apa2 ajelah.
Rakan, kini kau selamatkanlah diri kau
Kerismas bertali arus menentang itu ini.
Ujian karbon hanya uji karbon mpatblaih lah. tak boleh uji umoq lah. yang dia uji hanya jangka masa dari kematian sampai ujian dilakukan lah.
ok penulis mcm whatever lah kau.
sampai satu tahap dia cakap
ujian karbon tak boleh menentukan umoq la.itu sampah. tongsampahkan itu.
disebabkan penulis sangat tsiqah dengan apa yang penulis tahu sebab rasanya baru baca pasai ujian karbon. tapi penulis mungkin salah.
macam mana penulis boleh pi baca pasai ujian karbon?oh, penulis mmg suka baca benda2 yang pelik2.
dengan lajunya penulis menwikipedia pasai ujian karbon.
alhamdulillah, tertera dalam wikipedia, yang ujian karbon ialah untuk mengesahkan hayat/umoq sesuatu makhluk.
nah hamekkau.
lepaih kerismas baca kat wikipedia, dia sengap macam tikuih. selepas mengtongsampahkan fakta, tiada kata maaf diucapkan. takpa la, penulis tak perlukan maaf dari orang mcm kau kerismas.

Pengajaran dari cerita panjang berjela ini ialah, bak kata cikgu yang skeptikal tu, janganlah kau pung pang benda yang kau tak tau sangat.
Pengajaran lain, cubalah hormat pandangan orang lain. boleh kalau nak tak bersetuju, tapi luahkanlah dengan relevandan bertempat. buang sikap suka memprovok tu.
adios.

Freezing Winter

Back in winter 2008/2009, I was still in tropical Palachova although outside were piles of snow and temperature averaging -10 degrees. I need no socks and sweaters to keep me warm because we had the heaters full blast and we didnt have to pay extra for it.

But continuing with the habit when we moved into private apartment is a huga mistake. and it took us years and thousands of crowns before we learned our lesson.
That it is always ok to return to a freezing home. turn the heater on few hours before you sleep and still don't put it on full blast.
Ask the landlord to seal any gap. the gaps are point of entry of cruel wind and decrease the efficiency of house heating. The cost is not your problem. it's the landlord problem.
it's cheaper to be decked in socks and sweaters/jumpers. unless you don't mind paying an arm for the luxury to go around your house sporting spaghetti top and shorts in the winter.
it's ok to have very warm bath (because I always wash once a day in winter and that's it)but it's always better to do dishes using lukewarm water. don't keep the water running all the time. scrub all in one go and wash all in another go.
on top of all these, make yourself warm. drink hot cocoa and tea or coffee.whatever you like.

Be smart and be warm.
And all I wish is a snowy winter. at least it compensates the bitterness of the cold.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Communication

One of the options that I considered after SPM was to study international relationships.
Thanks Allah, that didn't get realised. Phew!
I deluded myself that I am diplomatic at my very best.
I mean it's hard to find someone as honest as moi.
If you grow a belly, I will not tell you that u are in shape.
But delusion is, well, delusion.

There's difference in being honest and tactless.
and I am lousy with words when it comes to verbal communication.
I once set fire ablaze by asking my teacher what is his motive wanting us to still go for marching band.
I had no idea that the word motive carry such an intensity.
Many times, in the midst of conversation, I'll go rummaging through my brain trying to find the word.

anyway back to the topic.
have you ever get snail mails, emails or flymails aka surat layang?
not the cards that say happy birthday and pen off with sender's signature.
I am talking about personal kind of messages.
Like the snail mail your friend wrote to you detailing about her current life, obsessions and inquiring about yours.
The cards that's filled to the brim with words.
have you ever got anything like that?

if you do, you should know the feeling of reading through the contents.
the comfort and joy that piece of parchment brings to you
you are swimming through the letters.
I try to find that feeling in these particular letters.
I read them through and through.
when i started, I am totally at a different wavelength from the sender.
membaca tanpa jiwa. tahu?
but glory be to Allah, I am slowly getting there, trying to swim in the words.
trying to understand and live through the contents.

on another note, I am currently reading Reclaim Your Heart.
First chapter is about attachments.
It totally reached out to me.
I used to think that I keep the minimum ties. You see, I am afraid of commitments. I shy away from posts in societies, I don't form an item with another friend, and as much as I love my family, I am still in a limbo whether to stay with them or keep being a nomad.
More than I am afraid to hurt others by crushing their expectation that I will be there for them, I am more afraid to be left.
becaused actually, I am the one to get attached. *sigh*

i finished the attachment chapter and went into love chapter.
I was like, uhum,uhum, reading through the chapter.
total disconnection apart from the last part.
up to now I still can not relate to what the author is saying about love.
to say that I have never be in love is stretching the boundaries too much.
Hands down I love my folks and my brothers
Maybe the writer is talking a lot about ajnabi love (love between a man and a woman)
and my greatest concern is to not enter into a man-woman relationship other than nikah.
= I have never experienced love firsthand.
I may not look much like it but I know my limits.
I had my fair share of infatuations and close calls to commit to relationship as a teenager but to go on a date is a complicated maths ~ do i have to really be superfine to eat even when my stomach is grumbling? are the investions like gifts and paid meals worth it? and most importantly why the heck would I want to go on a date when I can't even hold hands.
i am stingy like that because a relationship outside marriage is like a spiderweb.

i rambled enough. would you please keep this just in the confine of my comment box or yourself. thank you =)

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Beautiful Past

I had always miss my days before i started school. I still do but now with the realisation that my dears are not mine to keep. Like other things in this world, they are not eternal. And today i would write about the things that i still remember because when i counted earlier today it must have been a whopping 20 years since my earliest memory.

It's still glowing red in the morning when i walked with him to the market. I was showered, decked in the batik cut 2 pieces and looked like tikuih teghejun tepong like what his friend said. He bought the fishes and then we cross the road and climbed up to buy veges.he got ginger bulb. Then to the breakfast van. I don't want pulut inti. I just hate it. He bought breakfast for everyone. I was too small to ponder.but now i want to tell him thank you for bringing me along and because i took pride in it when people fawned and said cucu man ka. I would always be enthranced by the lion sculptures on the compound of Yahong Art Gallery and would always stop and he was ever so patient.

Back home he made sure i settle down with nasi lemak and warned me to not eat the shrimp head. And i always do the opposite as i was told (in fact i was like that until i graduate from school). So he ran to my rescue from cleaning the fishes when i barfed.

Talk about being my hero. He's the one who darted inside when i pooped out ascaris lumbricoidales and screamed my lung oout.he took care of my bottom and my products. And still managed to put 2 milos on the table to console the poor scared out of her wit little girl. Drink milo in feeding bottle and i shall poop more worms or drink from the mug and be worm free, he told me. My choice is obvious.

I love his asam pedas and his singgang with bunga kincham.i have always miss the latter because nobody ever duplicate his version nor have i ever has anything like that on my table ever again.

We'd stop by shop en route to the beach.i always wanted to try yogurt but he said i'll surely barf. Usually it's sumi, jelly, pudding or vitagen. And it is vitagen that greeted me on his deathday. I was in school in another town and he was out with my 2 brothers to get drinks for the workers and he bought 3 vitagens.he didn't forget me...

One day he came home telling me he saw a girl with beads in her hair and since i am so fascinated by the story he brought me to see it for myself.

We had our coffee time. With him, i drink off the saucer because it was too hot for me to drink off the cup. And he put the egg in my drink and whisked it for me. With roti canai, i started with kuah banjir style. He was the one responsible to teach me that i can tore the hread and dip it or i can substitute dhal with susu pekat.and feed me keledek or sukun goreng.

He let me chase the crabs, teach me to trap chicks so that they don't stray. Never let me play behind the house of which there's gushing very small stream.

He slept on hard bench covered by white cloth with blue ship imagee. We both slept outside.me in my buaian.and yes i vividly remember it because there is time when i woke up to eerie feeling and dog howling.

I dreamt that i lost him.and when he was taken away i was devastated. I can handle berita tv1 everyday if i get him back. And wallahi 16 years on i still miss him. May Allah loves him and take care of him mire than like what he has shown towards me.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

TTS

TTS stands for tempur tanpa senjata.

Impression
On the way to camp, I overheard our soon to be trainer talking about TTS. I never know there's such thing in PLKN. I mean, when you are talking about PLKN, the things that reflect it are drilling, kayaking, abseilling, obstacles and patriotic courses. Not tae kwon do. But hey, we are going to do tae kwon do as well. First impression ~ it's gonna be a cool thing. In SOKSEK, I saw the tae kwon do club doing their things under the shade. Even in TV they show the tae kwon do class in in a big room. and they were wearing those white cloth and coloured belt.

Reality
TTS is indeed tae kwon do. Except that we did it under the scorching 3 pm sun in our soft blue tshirt, tucked in black scarf and padded tracksuit. Plus the fact that when you shove you hand forth and back, you shout T!-T!-S! instead of Tae!-Kwon!-Do!
Anyway, they taught us to punch and high kick and low kick the air, and also defense movement.
Instead of receiving belt, we got new shade (of skin).

I have no complaint though. You don't pay for the lesson. And you get to T!-T!-S! amidst sunshine, green and tarmac.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Disfigured Model


Dr Oculus was passing the eye model to the classand telling us to return it wholly without any cornea or lens missing.