Thursday, October 3, 2013

Crossing The Line

Apparently it is not the end. I found something I want to write about.
About religion and how people cross the line to believe. yes to believe in God.
to believe in one god is not that far fetched idea. the human logic can comprehend it. what keep people away are denial and not knowing where and how to start.

I have a highschool friend who recently reverted. I don't know how she find her way here. I wish I could know. and I am still figuring out on what I should do for them from now on. You see I was born a Muslim. From where I come from, the way of life is to obey and do not ask questions. it's like what Harry Potter was subjected to in the Dursley household, except that we are in a cultural territory and almost everyone is Harry Potter. I know God is there. It was mechanical.

In the span of 5 years, I have dissected so much about God and my religion. The more I know, my idea of god transform from mechanical to the one that is real and sort of having a life. It used to be desperate time calls for desperate measures. Now it is let's not worry about things that  have no control over, the One up there has that ability and I have to just let Him do his work and I do what I can do. An act of charity has progressed more than a chain of good deeds. and even though it is still not easy, I try to be patient. because how can I withhold kindness when I myself need it?

There are people out there in front of the line. they want to cross it and don't know how. I really really am waiting for them here. There are other people closer to the line on this side and they are hesitating. My language proficiency is not enough. It is not an easy job, it has to be continuous. yada, yada, yada. I was frustrated, mad even at those people, when I found myself detesting my own self, for having the ability to mingle around, to speak the ligua franca but lacking one essential thing, the orderly way to bring people across the line and do what need to be done after that. and afraid even. God have mercy and show us all the best way.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The End, Perharps

Maybe it is the fact that my Czech has not improved that much, thus there's nothing interesting about interview with patient.

Maybe it is the fact that I have more pressing matter that needs my attention

I am still writing, you can say I am writing a journal of my short stint in Jogjakarta. If you are interested, click here
Good time in Candi Borobudur

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Misunderstandings

It is sad that Muslims ourselves manipulate the religion until the extent that repel others from this sacred belief. and sometimes we human (reagrdless of beliefs) try to protect ourselves at the expense of others. What I believe is Islam is a blessing not a curse, to those who practise it and to those around the believers.

Someone said that if he is to choose between being a Muslim to being a gay, he would choose the latter and that Muslim is missing out on life.

I clutched at my heart upon reading that but I regained my composure, there must be many things leading to this person to be saying such thing.
I can choose to point to him and say " you don't have respect for others belief. and you are telling me to not discriminate"

and how being a Muslim means missing out in life?
according to the religion, this life is nothing but a temporary one. and if there is something not to be missed, that is to prepare for the eternal hereafter. of course I don't expect all people to know that. after all maybe we have cut short their understanding of this religion with our own actions even before he gets to know this.

and maybe some people think not being able to drink means missing out in life. i dont really know. for each people they have their own sets of things that if are not done means missing out on life.
For me, not being able to drink is not missing out on life. drinking and not being able to remember most of the things because of it.

But I know this statement carries more meaning. and I have to take many deep breath and started to find the reasons and try to correct what is wrong.

You are not the only one's who's hurting.
I have been there myself. One day I found out my friends have been doing things without telling me. and then I found out that my friends are distant for me. I was enraged and turned into dragon spitting fire. And the situation was going nowhere. instead it got worse. 3 years of it.

At the end of my 4th study years, I threw myself into seclusion for one whole month. I went to live in a place totally alien to me, I met new friends, learn new things, seeing the world from others perspective. For one whole month, I maintained minimal contact with friends that I left behind. And in that one month I dissected the years that passed, and what has happened that makes me so bitter. It is always easy to see others mistake. It took me an unforgettable trip up the Pilatus Mountain with strangers to see that I have my own mistakes too. It was not easy, but I work out my solution.

I came back and confide in some people what I expect. I have been living well on my own but I need people living with me at least to tell me if they are not going to be home for the weekend. I don't want to lose any friend. after all, I should not let their morsel of shortcomings overshadowed their boundless kindness. I know there will always be secrets kept from me and there will be things done without me (after all, I have always choose to do diferent things most of the time) but I also know it's up to me to let that hurt me or not. you get hurt only when you let yourself get hurt ~ that's the conclusion that I draw.

and I realise that I myself has not been that kind. I perceived them being unkind to me and I retorted back in the same way, or maybe worse. I can't change people but I can change myself. I do things that makes me happy, I selectively ignored things that makes me unhappy. when the goings gets tough, I tell myself, this will pass. I try to overlook others shortcoming in favour of their good traits. and I found out that I am no saint myself. how can I withheld forgiveness when I myself need it.

I got myself back. I got my friends back. I have find the happiness that I lost. I wont say that it is a bed of roses but I have become more accepting than I was before.

The statement hurts me nevertheless. I am after all, a human. It's not the first time. Before someone said Malaysians are boring. People like to believe that they are very open and accepting. But more often than not, they are wrong about it. we tend to see things that is conflicting from our point of view negatively. I know everyone hold their own opinion, but maybe we all should learn how to nicely voice that opinion out.
I hate the alcohol with all my beings. I dont like seeing my friends drinking things that are bad for them. But do I point it out in front of everyone? no. they, like me, know the goods and bads of drinkings (yeah, I acknowledge that alcohol has its pros but may I add that the cons outweigh the pros) and I dont have to repeat it. even if I want to remind them, I would have to do a lot of thinking so as not to offend them.

What I can do now is to carry on doing things I believe is right. I have always been living being stereotyped but as long as I know my limits and as long as there are kind souls reminding me here and there and as long as He is holding my hand, I will do fine.

p/s: I maintain that I write this article based on my understandings and as a human, I am not mistakeproof. would you have anything to say, you can comment below or send an email to me

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Ancient Bestfriend

Each one of our friend share something special just between the 2 of us. This one is special in a way that we share a past beyond others around us. we have known each other since elementary

all these years we have meet, lost and found each other.  
I was due for a big exam yesterday and like all the exam I have had, I just can't study on the eve of the exam. My dormmates ignored me because I was reading novel the night leading to last paper for biology SPM. 

Yesterday  aint a novel with me leading to my exam, it's a well needed chat with one's longstanding bestfriend. hours of it and boy, we have changed from talking about which high school to go to after elementary to the do's and dont's during, ahem, pregnancy. yes, she is in her 17th weeks. so very happy for her. 

Earlier to the news, I told her that I've somehow feel half dead. I feel like my life is filled with neverending exams and I am worried that I have lost my soul for what that keeps me going before. She tought that I want to get married. Oh yes I really wish I can get married soon. alas!

In the yesteryears, I was okay with marrying outside my comfort zone, the further that guy comes from the better. But with years to ones age comes wisdom. What once seems like a door to many opportunities now looks like a road less travelled with so many denominating factors. My view shifted. At the end of the day, I derived that it is better to live with someone who knows what you knows. how do i put it? it is like someone who really knows what tora/ding dang/jojo means to you, someone who share the same sentiment of being Malaysian, someone who know all the 90's hype in Malaysia. someone like that. 

ancient bestfriend said, there are lots of opportunities here. I said, the Malay guys here are near extinction.
She said the will be rows of guys for me to choose once I am back home. I said, I planned to work in Borneo the first 2 years and Borneo itself doesnt have that many Malay also HOs said when working, it is a rare chance even to see the sun. then how la do i survey the market. I always choose the hard things for me. I also dont know why la I am like that. *sigh*

maybe my sample area for Malay guys here is quite limited. But I have the feeing that it is quite hard to fing a tall guy. Forgive me on this one. I have always been around friends smaller than me that I have always think that in particular situations I have to act my size and lend my hand. So for a husband, I want to feel protected, I want him to be taller than me. yes, it means so much to me.

On another note back in elementary, my teacher said to our class (which btw have a couples of couple. yes, 12, and already have "special ones". yours truly fortunately still is innocent) that as we grow, we will find someone 5 times better than the one we know currently. he is right, except that when you are nearing your middle 20's, you realised that such people are being taken out by someone else already. lol.

Anyway, Allah, I need one practising Muslim, intelligent, healthy,doing well, responsible and tall. I am not in a hurry. anytime before I hit 26 will be fine. and yes, he gotta reminds me of you of course. Thank you! You know I love you.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Just, Another Ugly Post

There are times when I feel my hard and long way that brings me here is insulted, by actions of a certain bunch of people.

Even worse now, I have just embrace the realisation that this is just a speck of dirt. I'll be encountering more such people and even worse people in my working environment.

Do I care? Not if I'm not in the scene.
Am I alright with all the ugly going ons? I am definitely not alright. The thing about being upright is that I am always jumpy when someone is bended. It doesnt help when I detect phony right away without even intending to do so. I would really like to give anyone who deserve it a piece of my mind, which btw, is rather poisonous and put them right back to where they belong. Only thing is that these people mostly don't stay put.

Sigh!on one side, they r reminding me how wretched is this world and how unworthy this world is for me to trade it with hereafter. But boy, being patient sure is hard. Whoever it is that say it is easy to enter jannah.

Today, I just let someone get away lying to the doctor right in front of my face and my friends' faces.
Our conspiracy theory is that he did it like that so that he can add insult to injury for us.
The good thing about believing in judgement day is that u know Allah is fair.
You can get away from wrongdoings in this dunya, but u will never get away in akhirat (the judgement day).
Judgement day is gonna be payback time. if today he feels a sweet victory, I'm gonna feel the same thing, more intense and everlasting

Last but not least, do not burden yourself about payback on your own for this type of people. Swallow it, our mere mortals payback is pathetic. why do that when God Himself will do the payback. and we know (for some, deep inside) God never dissappoint.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Pseudologia Fantastica

Pada waktu rehat yang agak panjang pada hari isnin pasca pilihan raya umum Malaysia ke 13, penulis dan 2 org rakan, Manih dan Bukit sedang membelek SIS untuk periksa perubatan
Wah ada 7 tarikh baru la 27 haribulan
Lihat tarikh 27 sediaada.
eh, dah tinggai 1 la. cakemaker ubah tarikh dia kot.

Pung pang pung pang
aku nak amik 26 la
pung pang pung pang
tu la 27 mcm tipis harapan
pung pang pung pang

Tiba2 jari gatai pi tekan tengok sapa yg buat tarikh 27 tu.
Eh bukan cakemaker la. Kerismas! Bagaimana mari?

Secara spontan penulis bangun dan terus bertanya kerismas yang selang 5 kerusi.
Niat ialah ingin bertanya adakah dia dah pernah ambik periksa musim dingin lepas. bukan apa, sbb ank husnuzon.
ada 2 kesalahan di sini
1. niat tak menghalalkan cara. salah penulis pi tanya secara terbuka.
2. kalau org dah menipu berkali-kali, septutnya pengajaran yang diambil ialah tidak bertanya apa-apa soalan. sebab jawapan selalu kelentong jugak.

*** dialog mungkin sedikit berbeza dari apa yang berlaku. namun poin-poin utama dikekalkan
Kerismas : ta. aku tak ambik
Penulis : Eh dah tu macam mana nama hang boleh ada kat sistem ni. bukan orang yang ulang saja ka boleh dapat. mana boleh buat macam ni. orang lain pun nak jugak tarikh
Kerismas : aku buat ah periksa usim sejuk lepaih. aku tak lepas. kena ulang
Penulis : *aku serius lupa apa aku ckp ms ni*

Kelas sunyi sepi.
aku hanya penuh dgn perasaan tak adil! tak adil!
Menurut Cikib, seluruh kelas sunyi sepi, sbb semua org tak percaya kerismas

beberapa ketika yang agak lama kemudian.
Kerismas : awat hang ambik tau awat hang ambik tau hal aku?
Penulis : Mesti la aku ambik tau. tu bukan hal hang. hal aku jugak.aku pun nak tarikh jugak
Kerismas : * hingaq bagai nak pecah dunia mempertahankan diri * ia bukan perniagaan hang pon?
Penulis : perniagaan aku ok. awat hang nak marah tak tentu pasai kalau hang betoi
sementara itu sepanjang pertikaman lidah kawan sekelas saya yang bernama Nouveau memalingkan mukanya ke arah saya dan membuat muka mengiakan bila saya semboq ayaq lidah.

Mari saya pecahkan penjelasan saya di sini
1. tarikh untuk periksa sepatutnya hanya boleh dipilih secara dalam talian. cuma org yang mengulang yang boleh mendaftar melalui setiausaha
2. kalau org dpt tarikh, adalah hak saya untuk bertanya bagaimana disebabkan hak untuk bertarung mendaftar tarikh periksa adalah hak semua orang dalam tahun saya.
3. ketua jabatan adalah sangat berkira dengan tarikh periksa. tiada siapa yang ingin membuat cubaan pertama boleh ambil periksa sepanjang semester. tiba2 seketoi budak induk boleh buat.jadi aku berpegang pada orang Islam tak boleh jatuh dalam lubang yang sama 2 kali. lupa beberapa rakan kelas dan cikgu cikgi sendiri adalah bukan Islam.
4. hang ingat aku ni takdak kerja sangat ka pi jaga tepi kain hang. lgi baik la aku pi jaga kain songket ka, kain sutera ka dari jaga doi hang yang compang camping tu. sila sedaq diri walaupun itu sangat susah.

aku dah tak kisah hal Kerismas sejak masuk tahun lima. lantak hang la nak jadi apa.
walaupun hang tuang kelas kawkaw dan aku tk puas hati, tp perasaan aman bila hang takdak melebihi segalanya.
tapi aku tak sampai hati nak cakap aku lagi suka hang tuang kelas sbb hidup aku akan aman sentosa.
aku tak dak pen peyerlah kale oren dan aku tak teringin nak pi tanda kehadiran bagi pihak sapa2.
ada aku kesah?
yang penting toksah tertanda nama aku pulak masa hampa dok kalut pi ubah suai kehadiran.
oh aku mmg tak hingin nak jaga bisnes hang. bukan dapat gaji pon.

aku harap aku dapat pengajaran agar tak tanya hang soalan lagi sbb hang adalah amat jarang sekali mengatakan yang benar.
Jangan ingat aku tak tau bertahun hang jadi wakil pelajar hang pi mesyuarat berapa kerat saja.
Jawab la nanti kat akhirat.

dan akhir sekali, kalau hang tak salah, tak dak pasai hang nak meletup tak tentu pasai. meletup pulak bila dah beberapa ketika habih bercakap dgn aku.
sori la, aku tak niat pon nak tangkap hang bertangan merah di hadapan satu kelas. Niat aku nak mengelakkan aku saspek hang.
Kalu hang paham baha Kelantan, aku nak tujukan video ni untuk hang

point keenam ialah hit the nail on the spot. seketoi macam apa yang jadi tadi pagi.

Tentang penulis : penulis membesar dalam keadaan yang memerlukan penulis mempertahankan diri penulis dari sebarang ancaman sendirian. jadi penulis telah menjadi terlebih berani dan terlebih vokal dalam menyurakan pandangan. namun disebabkan proses dilalui berseorangan, penulis tidak dapat mengevolusi kepada cara berhikmah.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Does living overseas makes one blinded of the happenings in one's own country?
I'd like to think that sitting atop a hill gives the big picture that u cant get when u are in the valley.
Living overseas means I have more free access to information and clearer judgement.
But most of those living in Malaysia think the opposite.

It doesn't matter that I dutifully went to PLKN and BTN.
Doesnt matter that I diligently learn in schools
Doesnt matter that I put up with the lousy transportation for years
Doesnt matter that I was scared as hell going through so many things alone due to circumstances
Doesnt matter that I survived after almost stepping from the elevator to a immigrant brandishing bayonet, chasing another immigrant
Doesnt matter that I fondly talk about my country to my foreign friends
Doesnt matter that I am a decent walking model of Malaysia
No, all that doesnt matter.

For as long as my stand is different. I am the ungrateful.
Just because I said the truth, I am subjected to harsh words and treatment.

Thing is the 700 euro I get every month, my tuition fee, they are all the people's money. Not the government money.
Whatever it is in Malaysia is ours, not the government.
The hands that feed me is feeding me because my countrymen put them there with our money and resources.
and the choice is mine, as long as I choose wisely.
And thank God this ungrateful thing doesnt do drug, doesnt have a baby out of wedlock let alone killing the baby, didnt kick or slap her schoolmates when in high school.

I dont believe anybody, not even myself. and above all I dont believe any politician. Because the constant thing in mortals is change.
I put my highest hope in the one up above. He's the rightful owner of every single thing.
and I pray that the one up above guide our leaders so that they govern wisely, justly.
Oh yes, to them my prayer is poison.

What I see of the campaign?
Why you should choose us , why they shouldn't win, their sex scandals, this scandals that scandals this corruption that corruption.
I hardly see"wht we wil do for you". maybe I dont look hard enough.

Not coming back will really hurt me. As much as it is fun living overseas, I still feel that I am not one of them.
The only way o feel at home is to be home.
But do I go back to people who brand me ungrateful and say things to me just because I have different opinion. Do I go back to people who talk with lust but not brain.
The one who sent me away is saying that I should stay here. and when I say it may be the right thing to do, I am ungrateful because I don't want to go back.

And lastly, just because I say the truth, doen't make you more patriotic than I do.
For all I know the act of voting is patriotic and what u choose doesn't make you more or less patriotic.
I can recite Rukun Negara fluently, I may know more patriotic songs than you do and I doubt you know the details like where the YDPA suit originates and what is the folding of the YDPA tengkolok is called.

I know why I choose to be away and unless you correct your attitude, I may make the same choice again.