Crossing The Line

Apparently it is not the end. I found something I want to write about.
About religion and how people cross the line to believe. yes to believe in God.
to believe in one god is not that far fetched idea. the human logic can comprehend it. what keep people away are denial and not knowing where and how to start.

I have a highschool friend who recently reverted. I don't know how she find her way here. I wish I could know. and I am still figuring out on what I should do for them from now on. You see I was born a Muslim. From where I come from, the way of life is to obey and do not ask questions. it's like what Harry Potter was subjected to in the Dursley household, except that we are in a cultural territory and almost everyone is Harry Potter. I know God is there. It was mechanical.

In the span of 5 years, I have dissected so much about God and my religion. The more I know, my idea of god transform from mechanical to the one that is real and sort of having a life. It used to be desperate time calls for desperate measures. Now it is let's not worry about things that  have no control over, the One up there has that ability and I have to just let Him do his work and I do what I can do. An act of charity has progressed more than a chain of good deeds. and even though it is still not easy, I try to be patient. because how can I withhold kindness when I myself need it?

There are people out there in front of the line. they want to cross it and don't know how. I really really am waiting for them here. There are other people closer to the line on this side and they are hesitating. My language proficiency is not enough. It is not an easy job, it has to be continuous. yada, yada, yada. I was frustrated, mad even at those people, when I found myself detesting my own self, for having the ability to mingle around, to speak the ligua franca but lacking one essential thing, the orderly way to bring people across the line and do what need to be done after that. and afraid even. God have mercy and show us all the best way.

The End, Perharps

Maybe it is the fact that my Czech has not improved that much, thus there's nothing interesting about interview with patient.

Maybe it is the fact that I have more pressing matter that needs my attention

I am still writing, you can say I am writing a journal of my short stint in Jogjakarta. If you are interested, click here

Good time in Candi Borobudur

The Misunderstandings

It is sad that Muslims ourselves manipulate the religion until the extent that repel others from this sacred belief. and sometimes we human (reagrdless of beliefs) try to protect ourselves at the expense of others. What I believe is Islam is a blessing not a curse, to those who practise it and to those around the believers.

Someone said that if he is to choose between being a Muslim to being a gay, he would choose the latter and that Muslim is missing out on life.

I clutched at my heart upon reading that but I regained my composure, there must be many things leading to this person to be saying such thing.
I can choose to point to him and say " you don't have respect for others belief. and you are telling me to not discriminate"

and how being a Muslim means missing out in life?
according to the religion, this life is nothing but a temporary one. and if there is something not to be missed, that is to prepare for the eternal hereafter. of course I don't expect all people to know that. after all maybe we have cut short their understanding of this religion with our own actions even before he gets to know this.

and maybe some people think not being able to drink means missing out in life. i dont really know. for each people they have their own sets of things that if are not done means missing out on life.
For me, not being able to drink is not missing out on life. drinking and not being able to remember most of the things because of it.

But I know this statement carries more meaning. and I have to take many deep breath and started to find the reasons and try to correct what is wrong.


You are not the only one's who's hurting.
I have been there myself. One day I found out my friends have been doing things without telling me. and then I found out that my friends are distant for me. I was enraged and turned into dragon spitting fire. And the situation was going nowhere. instead it got worse. 3 years of it.

At the end of my 4th study years, I threw myself into seclusion for one whole month. I went to live in a place totally alien to me, I met new friends, learn new things, seeing the world from others perspective. For one whole month, I maintained minimal contact with friends that I left behind. And in that one month I dissected the years that passed, and what has happened that makes me so bitter. It is always easy to see others mistake. It took me an unforgettable trip up the Pilatus Mountain with strangers to see that I have my own mistakes too. It was not easy, but I work out my solution.

I came back and confide in some people what I expect. I have been living well on my own but I need people living with me at least to tell me if they are not going to be home for the weekend. I don't want to lose any friend. after all, I should not let their morsel of shortcomings overshadowed their boundless kindness. I know there will always be secrets kept from me and there will be things done without me (after all, I have always choose to do diferent things most of the time) but I also know it's up to me to let that hurt me or not. you get hurt only when you let yourself get hurt ~ that's the conclusion that I draw.

and I realise that I myself has not been that kind. I perceived them being unkind to me and I retorted back in the same way, or maybe worse. I can't change people but I can change myself. I do things that makes me happy, I selectively ignored things that makes me unhappy. when the goings gets tough, I tell myself, this will pass. I try to overlook others shortcoming in favour of their good traits. and I found out that I am no saint myself. how can I withheld forgiveness when I myself need it.

I got myself back. I got my friends back. I have find the happiness that I lost. I wont say that it is a bed of roses but I have become more accepting than I was before.



The statement hurts me nevertheless. I am after all, a human. It's not the first time. Before someone said Malaysians are boring. People like to believe that they are very open and accepting. But more often than not, they are wrong about it. we tend to see things that is conflicting from our point of view negatively. I know everyone hold their own opinion, but maybe we all should learn how to nicely voice that opinion out.
I hate the alcohol with all my beings. I dont like seeing my friends drinking things that are bad for them. But do I point it out in front of everyone? no. they, like me, know the goods and bads of drinkings (yeah, I acknowledge that alcohol has its pros but may I add that the cons outweigh the pros) and I dont have to repeat it. even if I want to remind them, I would have to do a lot of thinking so as not to offend them.

What I can do now is to carry on doing things I believe is right. I have always been living being stereotyped but as long as I know my limits and as long as there are kind souls reminding me here and there and as long as He is holding my hand, I will do fine.


p/s: I maintain that I write this article based on my understandings and as a human, I am not mistakeproof. would you have anything to say, you can comment below or send an email to me

Ancient Bestfriend

Each one of our friend share something special just between the 2 of us. This one is special in a way that we share a past beyond others around us. we have known each other since elementary

all these years we have meet, lost and found each other.  

I was due for a big exam yesterday and like all the exam I have had, I just can't study on the eve of the exam. My dormmates ignored me because I was reading novel the night leading to last paper for biology SPM. 

Yesterday  aint a novel with me leading to my exam, it's a well needed chat with one's longstanding bestfriend. hours of it and boy, we have changed from talking about which high school to go to after elementary to the do's and dont's during, ahem, pregnancy. yes, she is in her 17th weeks. so very happy for her. 

Earlier to the news, I told her that I've somehow feel half dead. I feel like my life is filled with neverending exams and I am worried that I have lost my soul for what that keeps me going before. She tought that I want to get married. Oh yes I really wish I can get married soon. alas!

In the yesteryears, I was okay with marrying outside my comfort zone, the further that guy comes from the better. But with years to ones age comes wisdom. What once seems like a door to many opportunities now looks like a road less travelled with so many denominating factors. My view shifted. At the end of the day, I derived that it is better to live with someone who knows what you knows. how do i put it? it is like someone who really knows what tora/ding dang/jojo means to you, someone who share the same sentiment of being Malaysian, someone who know all the 90's hype in Malaysia. someone like that. 

ancient bestfriend said, there are lots of opportunities here. I said, the Malay guys here are near extinction.

She said the will be rows of guys for me to choose once I am back home. I said, I planned to work in Borneo the first 2 years and Borneo itself doesnt have that many Malay also HOs said when working, it is a rare chance even to see the sun. then how la do i survey the market. I always choose the hard things for me. I also dont know why la I am like that. *sigh*

maybe my sample area for Malay guys here is quite limited. But I have the feeing that it is quite hard to fing a tall guy. Forgive me on this one. I have always been around friends smaller than me that I have always think that in particular situations I have to act my size and lend my hand. So for a husband, I want to feel protected, I want him to be taller than me. yes, it means so much to me.

On another note back in elementary, my teacher said to our class (which btw have a couples of couple. yes, 12, and already have "special ones". yours truly fortunately still is innocent) that as we grow, we will find someone 5 times better than the one we know currently. he is right, except that when you are nearing your middle 20's, you realised that such people are being taken out by someone else already. lol.

Anyway, Allah, I need one practising Muslim, intelligent, healthy,doing well, responsible and tall. I am not in a hurry. anytime before I hit 26 will be fine. and yes, he gotta reminds me of you of course. Thank you! You know I love you.

Just, Another Ugly Post

There are times when I feel my hard and long way that brings me here is insulted, by actions of a certain bunch of people.

Even worse now, I have just embrace the realisation that this is just a speck of dirt. I'll be encountering more such people and even worse people in my working environment.

Do I care? Not if I'm not in the scene.
Am I alright with all the ugly going ons? I am definitely not alright. The thing about being upright is that I am always jumpy when someone is bended. It doesnt help when I detect phony right away without even intending to do so. I would really like to give anyone who deserve it a piece of my mind, which btw, is rather poisonous and put them right back to where they belong. Only thing is that these people mostly don't stay put.

Sigh!on one side, they r reminding me how wretched is this world and how unworthy this world is for me to trade it with hereafter. But boy, being patient sure is hard. Whoever it is that say it is easy to enter jannah.

Today, I just let someone get away lying to the doctor right in front of my face and my friends' faces.
Our conspiracy theory is that he did it like that so that he can add insult to injury for us.
The good thing about believing in judgement day is that u know Allah is fair.
You can get away from wrongdoings in this dunya, but u will never get away in akhirat (the judgement day).
Judgement day is gonna be payback time. if today he feels a sweet victory, I'm gonna feel the same thing, more intense and everlasting

Last but not least, do not burden yourself about payback on your own for this type of people. Swallow it, our mere mortals payback is pathetic. why do that when God Himself will do the payback. and we know (for some, deep inside) God never dissappoint.

Pseudologia Fantastica

Pada waktu rehat yang agak panjang pada hari isnin pasca pilihan raya umum Malaysia ke 13, penulis dan 2 org rakan, Manih dan Bukit sedang membelek SIS untuk periksa perubatan
Wah ada 7 tarikh baru la 27 haribulan
Lihat tarikh 27 sediaada.
eh, dah tinggai 1 la. cakemaker ubah tarikh dia kot.

Pung pang pung pang
aku nak amik 26 la
pung pang pung pang
tu la 27 mcm tipis harapan
pung pang pung pang

Tiba2 jari gatai pi tekan tengok sapa yg buat tarikh 27 tu.
Eh bukan cakemaker la. Kerismas! Bagaimana mari?

Secara spontan penulis bangun dan terus bertanya kerismas yang selang 5 kerusi.
Niat ialah ingin bertanya adakah dia dah pernah ambik periksa musim dingin lepas. bukan apa, sbb ank husnuzon.
ada 2 kesalahan di sini
1. niat tak menghalalkan cara. salah penulis pi tanya secara terbuka.
2. kalau org dah menipu berkali-kali, septutnya pengajaran yang diambil ialah tidak bertanya apa-apa soalan. sebab jawapan selalu kelentong jugak.


*** dialog mungkin sedikit berbeza dari apa yang berlaku. namun poin-poin utama dikekalkan
Kerismas : ta. aku tak ambik
Penulis : Eh dah tu macam mana nama hang boleh ada kat sistem ni. bukan orang yang ulang saja ka boleh dapat. mana boleh buat macam ni. orang lain pun nak jugak tarikh
Kerismas : aku buat ah periksa usim sejuk lepaih. aku tak lepas. kena ulang
Penulis : *aku serius lupa apa aku ckp ms ni*

Kelas sunyi sepi.
aku hanya penuh dgn perasaan tak adil! tak adil!
Menurut Cikib, seluruh kelas sunyi sepi, sbb semua org tak percaya kerismas

beberapa ketika yang agak lama kemudian.
Kerismas : awat hang ambik tau awat hang ambik tau hal aku?
Penulis : Mesti la aku ambik tau. tu bukan hal hang. hal aku jugak.aku pun nak tarikh jugak
Kerismas : * hingaq bagai nak pecah dunia mempertahankan diri * ia bukan perniagaan hang pon?
Penulis : perniagaan aku ok. awat hang nak marah tak tentu pasai kalau hang betoi
sementara itu sepanjang pertikaman lidah kawan sekelas saya yang bernama Nouveau memalingkan mukanya ke arah saya dan membuat muka mengiakan bila saya semboq ayaq lidah.


Mari saya pecahkan penjelasan saya di sini
1. tarikh untuk periksa sepatutnya hanya boleh dipilih secara dalam talian. cuma org yang mengulang yang boleh mendaftar melalui setiausaha
2. kalau org dpt tarikh, adalah hak saya untuk bertanya bagaimana disebabkan hak untuk bertarung mendaftar tarikh periksa adalah hak semua orang dalam tahun saya.
3. ketua jabatan adalah sangat berkira dengan tarikh periksa. tiada siapa yang ingin membuat cubaan pertama boleh ambil periksa sepanjang semester. tiba2 seketoi budak induk boleh buat.jadi aku berpegang pada orang Islam tak boleh jatuh dalam lubang yang sama 2 kali. lupa beberapa rakan kelas dan cikgu cikgi sendiri adalah bukan Islam.
4. hang ingat aku ni takdak kerja sangat ka pi jaga tepi kain hang. lgi baik la aku pi jaga kain songket ka, kain sutera ka dari jaga doi hang yang compang camping tu. sila sedaq diri walaupun itu sangat susah.

aku dah tak kisah hal Kerismas sejak masuk tahun lima. lantak hang la nak jadi apa.
walaupun hang tuang kelas kawkaw dan aku tk puas hati, tp perasaan aman bila hang takdak melebihi segalanya.
tapi aku tak sampai hati nak cakap aku lagi suka hang tuang kelas sbb hidup aku akan aman sentosa.
aku tak dak pen peyerlah kale oren dan aku tak teringin nak pi tanda kehadiran bagi pihak sapa2.
ada aku kesah?
yang penting toksah tertanda nama aku pulak masa hampa dok kalut pi ubah suai kehadiran.
oh aku mmg tak hingin nak jaga bisnes hang. bukan dapat gaji pon.

aku harap aku dapat pengajaran agar tak tanya hang soalan lagi sbb hang adalah amat jarang sekali mengatakan yang benar.
Jangan ingat aku tak tau bertahun hang jadi wakil pelajar hang pi mesyuarat berapa kerat saja.
Jawab la nanti kat akhirat.

dan akhir sekali, kalau hang tak salah, tak dak pasai hang nak meletup tak tentu pasai. meletup pulak bila dah beberapa ketika habih bercakap dgn aku.
sori la, aku tak niat pon nak tangkap hang bertangan merah di hadapan satu kelas. Niat aku nak mengelakkan aku saspek hang.
Kalu hang paham baha Kelantan, aku nak tujukan video ni untuk hang





point keenam ialah hit the nail on the spot. seketoi macam apa yang jadi tadi pagi.
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pathological-Liar

Tentang penulis : penulis membesar dalam keadaan yang memerlukan penulis mempertahankan diri penulis dari sebarang ancaman sendirian. jadi penulis telah menjadi terlebih berani dan terlebih vokal dalam menyurakan pandangan. namun disebabkan proses dilalui berseorangan, penulis tidak dapat mengevolusi kepada cara berhikmah.

Choice

Does living overseas makes one blinded of the happenings in one's own country?
I'd like to think that sitting atop a hill gives the big picture that u cant get when u are in the valley.
Living overseas means I have more free access to information and clearer judgement.
But most of those living in Malaysia think the opposite.

It doesn't matter that I dutifully went to PLKN and BTN.
Doesnt matter that I diligently learn in schools
Doesnt matter that I put up with the lousy transportation for years
Doesnt matter that I was scared as hell going through so many things alone due to circumstances
Doesnt matter that I survived after almost stepping from the elevator to a immigrant brandishing bayonet, chasing another immigrant
Doesnt matter that I fondly talk about my country to my foreign friends
Doesnt matter that I am a decent walking model of Malaysia
No, all that doesnt matter.

For as long as my stand is different. I am the ungrateful.
Just because I said the truth, I am subjected to harsh words and treatment.

Thing is the 700 euro I get every month, my tuition fee, they are all the people's money. Not the government money.
Whatever it is in Malaysia is ours, not the government.
The hands that feed me is feeding me because my countrymen put them there with our money and resources.
and the choice is mine, as long as I choose wisely.
And thank God this ungrateful thing doesnt do drug, doesnt have a baby out of wedlock let alone killing the baby, didnt kick or slap her schoolmates when in high school.

I dont believe anybody, not even myself. and above all I dont believe any politician. Because the constant thing in mortals is change.
I put my highest hope in the one up above. He's the rightful owner of every single thing.
and I pray that the one up above guide our leaders so that they govern wisely, justly.
Oh yes, to them my prayer is poison.

What I see of the campaign?
Why you should choose us , why they shouldn't win, their sex scandals, this scandals that scandals this corruption that corruption.
I hardly see"wht we wil do for you". maybe I dont look hard enough.

Not coming back will really hurt me. As much as it is fun living overseas, I still feel that I am not one of them.
The only way o feel at home is to be home.
But do I go back to people who brand me ungrateful and say things to me just because I have different opinion. Do I go back to people who talk with lust but not brain.
The one who sent me away is saying that I should stay here. and when I say it may be the right thing to do, I am ungrateful because I don't want to go back.

And lastly, just because I say the truth, doen't make you more patriotic than I do.
For all I know the act of voting is patriotic and what u choose doesn't make you more or less patriotic.
I can recite Rukun Negara fluently, I may know more patriotic songs than you do and I doubt you know the details like where the YDPA suit originates and what is the folding of the YDPA tengkolok is called.

I know why I choose to be away and unless you correct your attitude, I may make the same choice again.

Tips For State Exam

In my faculty, we sail final year of medical school working in department (am not sure if we are really doing it though) and cap every rotation with state exam (STATEX)

STATEX means viva in front of a board of examiners.
That being said the board of examiners is made of specialists from different specialties.

Example in surgery we have so many types of surgeon. Breast surgeon, urosurgeon, cardiosurgeon.
So since we know who are in the board, we can choose. Get it?
Say if you think kidney is a tough subject and will most likely be a stumbling rock in your quest for red diploma (sth like 1st class degree), you may choose a board without nephrologist for you STATEX.

Words of wisdom from a Dr that taught us diabetes recently.
Talk about disease that you only have seen from textbook and even the doctor has seen only one in 10 years of his career. Be prepared that he will be so inquisitive about the disease. after all, we mere human always fuss over things that is not usual
Focus and talk about the bread and butter in medicine ie diabetes, hypertension, cholesterolemia. Doctor will either yawn off or expect you to know ins and outs of the disease. after all, it sure will come on handy when you launch yourself into the workforce.

For me, ultimately it's work and Allah permission that will see me through medschool.
Happy studying!

My Playground

The oppurtunity for one to give and to receive is abundant within the hospital compound.
Earlier today, again, I looked outside for a while through the glasswall of our education center.
2 men were walking to heir respective dstination. Just that their strides are not normal and it takes them extra extra time compared to us lucky person who have perfect pair of legs for walking to get from one point to another.

When I went to get the milk from the convenient store in front of the emergency department, I saw a wheelchair-bound man outside of it.
And poof! the opportunity to help materialised.
Just go and as if he needs any assistance or if he would like for you to get something from the store for him.

And as I walked towards the forensic department, I passed an elderly couple. The woman was walking with feet inwards and the man, he was holding tight to this woman's hand, a pillar for her to step forward.

And these are beyond the hospital room. I have lost count of how much lessons about life have I went through. Definitely, not less than my opportunity to help.

Boneka Yang Mengajar Manusia Macam Saya

Hari ini saya berjumpa ahli syurga.
Perempuan.
Umur 7 tahun.

Ini kali pertama saya terpaksa cover tak nak menangis.
Doktor belum habis menerangkan lagi, mana boleh banjir.

Berulang kali saya cuba yakinkan diri saya.
Takdir yang Allah susun untuk adik ini sangat berhikmah.
Walau saya tak boleh nampak apa hikmah tu.

Saya pegang tangan dia. Lembik, sangat lembik.
Selak selimut tengok kaki dia.
Tepuk-tepuk tangan dia dan panggil nama dia. mata dia yang memang sedia tertutup hanya berkerut dan berkedip.
Kulit dia elok.tidak kering, tidak berbunga violet.
Cuma mungkin dari mulut dia melelah air liur sejejer.

Rupa-rupanya adik itu bakal ahli syurga.
Sejak lahir, otot pernafasan dia tidak boleh dipakai. sejak lahir ditemani alat bantuan pernafasan.
Lepas tu dia hanya boleh menggerakkan tangan pakai bahu dan pinggul.
Lepas tu otot leher tidak berfungsi. Kepala ditolak dengan bahu.
Sekarang dia tak ubah macam anak patung. mata terkatup terbuka.
Dengan keadaan yang macam tu, dia berjaya sembuh dari beberapa jangkitan yang kalau iktu logik akal adalah membunuh.

Bagi keluarga dia, terlalu berat untuk menerima keadaan anak yang macam tu.
Jadi sejak kecik, dia jadi ahli keluarga PICU.
Misi-misi lah yang menjaga dia sempurna macam tu.
Dan kami-kami, pelajar perubatan, jadi pelawat.

Adik yang Allah sayang,
terima kasih.
dalam keadaan adik yang macam boneka, adik dah buat 2 bakti untuk saya
sebab adik, saya akan selalu ingat macam mana rupanya pesakit yang ada hypotonic syndrome.
adik juga ajar saya jadi lebih bersyukur dan terus berfikir tentang takdir dan bersangka baik dengan Allah.

Pertama kalinya juga, saya betul-betul tahu siapa yang saya mahu jumpa di syurga.
Saya mahu jumpa boneka sayu di atas katil PICU tadi.
Dan waktu itu saya mahu senyum dan bukannya hampir mengangis macam tadi.

Men in My Life

I am at that phase of life where the friends are getting married and start to reproduce.
I don't know how it is in other places but in Malaysia, if you are still single, people will keep asking when are you getting a partner.
And f u already have one, the question will chnage into when are you getting married.
and if you are newlyweds, people will ask when are you going to expand the number.
I appreciate that people are still asking about my condition but to be bugged with the same questions over and over again, one is bound to be fed up with it.
And I am only at question number one. Allah helps me!

Back in high school, I had series of boys I fancy.
Nothing much, just raging teenage hormones.
Lucky for me, everything stayed at fancying, nothing more.
Which means
* I didn't go a long way to impress others, saved for a couple of letters, of which I hope never exist anymore.
* I never had to fork my money out well except for one gift that costs like 10 ringgit. it did more damage to my time than my money to come out with what gift will I give

I have the question "do u have anyone in mind?" on repeat until now.
I'd be lying if I say no.
But then I don't think I consider that anyone so seriously.
It's more like if it's meant to be then it will be.

And it all boils down to the men in my life.
You see, I have a father who dotes on me in his own way and 2 brothers that love me more than I can ask for.
For example, if any suspicious soul ask of me, the youngest will casually tell him that I am long dead.
My brothers and father take me anywhere it's better than dating. I just have to tell them where.
From the books vendors at the far back of Chowrasta market to the fruit stall in an alley to wander in the mall.
Imagine going on a date with my make believe boyfriend. I couldnt even hold his hand.
For me I don't need a boyfriend to buy me anything I want.
I don't even have to ask, my dad do that.
Let's go to pasar malam (I did this on almost everyday basis when I am in Penang)
What do you want to eat?
Do you want to order another bowl?
Alhamdulillah, sometimes, I opened my closet to gifts.
Keychains.
Tumbler.
Bag.
Scarf.
Last trip to Langkawi, the youngest gifted me with a seashell bangle.
Just a few days ago, Nazri offered me book vouchers.

I think I am spoilt rotten. Thus I still don't feel the necessity to get hitched.
I have 3 men to take care, protect and ove me. and yes, even paying zakat fitrah for me.
Then men in my life will always be paying zakat fitrah for me. I want that.
The zakat will tie us no matter where we are.
and ameen to that.
Thank you Allah and I ask Your grace to send me, my mom and these 3 men into your jannah.

Lidah Bercabang

Amaran : entri ini ialah entri emo. penuh dengan ketidakpuasan hati penulis dan atas sebab-sebab yang jelas, adalah ditulis di dalam bahasa ibunda penulis

Kebarangkalian adalah besar untuk setiap orang yang hidup melebihi usia 20 tahun di dunia ini untuk berjumpa dengan orang lidah bercabang. Penulis ditakdirkan untuk bukan sahaja berjumpa, malah terpaksa berada di dalam satu kumpulan dengan seorang lidah bercabang. cukuplah penulis menggelarnya kerismas.

Di awal perkenalan, telah terserlah sikapnya yang suka memutarbelitkan kebanyakan perkara. tetapi disebabkan penulis ialah seorang yang lurus bendul dan lebih cenderung kepada mengharapkan setiap orang itu sifat lahiriahnya tulus dan jujur, penulis telah banyak kali kena libas. hangin saja setiap kali.

Oh, beliau mempunyai anutan yang berbeza dari penulis dan semasa penulis masih tidak matang, selalu bertikam lidah berkenaan perbezaan ini. Kini, penulis sedar apa yang ditimbulkan kerismas sentiasa berdalangkan unsur provokasi. dan kerismas ialah seorang yang bijak memanipulasi fakta yang seciput yang dimilikinya.

Kehidupan penulis aman damai pada semester musim sejuk lepas kerana kerismas amat jarang menghadiri praktikal-praktikal. Ini kerana setiap pembahagian kumpulan, kami pasti akan berada dalam kumpulan yang sama kerana nama keluarga kami bermula dengan huruf dabeliu. Bahagianya usah dikata sampaikan ketika mendapatkan tandatangan kredit untuk subjek internal medicine, kerismas terus meluru ke depan dan menjadi orang pertama mendapatkannya walaupun dia hanya ke kelas lebih kurang 3 kali sahaja, penulis kurang tak puas hati.

Penulis sangat syak yang kerismas selalu menipu tetapi tidak mempunyai bukti-bukti konkrit. kecuali untuk kelas mata. kerismas hanya ke kelas sekali!dan apabila ditanya guru, jawapannya, kaki patah. Penipu! gambar-gambar di laman sosial jelas menunjukkan kerismas di mana-mana sahaja ~ wayang, pantai tropika,majlis kahwin ~kecuali di kelas.

Pada suatu hari yang tenang di dalam kelas yang boring, pensyarah yang bersikap sangat skeptikal dan straightforward macam peluru scud sedang membincangkan musik ~ musik Barat, zaman 70-an. musik yang selari yang penulis ketahui hanyalah twinkle-twinkle little star, marry had a little lamb, humpty dumpty, baaa baa black sheep dan london bridge. keris mas berada di dalam kelas tersebut dan memprovokasi pandangan pensyarah.apa itu punk dan tahukah kamu apa nama kumpulan-kumpulan punk yang wujud. bila kerismas membuka mulut memprovokasi, penulis terus tanpa rasa bersalah cuba untuk tidoq. terus tak jadi tidoq selepas beberapa ketika pensyarah dengan penuh yakin bergaya berkata "saya mintak maaf saya kata ni, tapi kamu tidak punya idea pun tentang apa yang kamu kata". dialog setelah dialih bahasa. woooweeeee. cincha daebak la cikgu aku ni.terus saham naik mencanak-canak di mata sepetku. he said the truth and he said it splendidly well. terdiam kau kerismas tu.kalau boleh nak tepuk tangan kuat2 sampai sakit.

Dan hari ini nasib malang lagi terpaksa satu kumpulan dengan kerismas.seb baik kumpulan besaq. seorang kawan senegara yang ikhlas dan benar-benar ingin tahu telah bertanya kepada pensyarah kelas kebersihan dan perubatan pencegahan. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"chegu, chegu, apa relevannya orang zaman dulu hidup begitu lama sampai beratus tahun dan dengan perubahan zaman, orang kini mepunyai purata hidup 70-80 tahun?adakah faktor pencemaran alam sekitar memainkan peranan penting"
cikgu muka blur cuba register apa yang ditanya. pada pandangan penulis yang tak semestinya betul : cikgu ingat zaman dulu = zaman kolonial. zaman kolonial, banyak wabak tersebar meluas dan ramai yang mati dalam umur pramatang.
penulis faham kawan penulis maksudkan zaman dulu = ancient time bukan medieval time nor colonial time.
zaman purbakala bukan zaman kesultanan melayu melaka.
" oh. contohnya adam dan hawa kan hidup hampir seribu tahun."
dan kerismas tanpa berlengah lagi terus menjadi lahanat dengan mencantas. lebih kurang macam ni la bunyi dia
"kau mana boleh samakan kepercayaan kau dengan orang lain. untuk semua yang kita tahu, mungkin cikgu tak percaya pun yang adam hawa tu wujud"
lahanat tak?suka digress dari topik asal.
oh, cikgu masa tu baru cua nak faham soalan apabila kerismas tiba2 menyampuk.
padahal beberapa ketika sebelum tu dia selamba badak ayaq saja kata manusia asal dari beruk. hello *sambil angkat tangan tanda stop*, kau mungkin asal dari beruk, aku tidak. masa tu tak pikiaq pulak pasai pandangan/kepercayaan org lain. practise what you preach la wei.
dalam cuba meredakan kekalutan yang berlaku, panulis cuba menerangkan situasi yang rakan sedang bertanya pasal manusia purbakala.
kerismas mencantas "mana kau tau dia hidup ratus riban tahun?"
penulis : kau buat la ujian karbon. boleh tau umoq depa pakai cara tu
kerismas : ooo, ada eh sisa2 adam hawa. kau jumpak mana. (lihatlah dunia, inilah yang buat aku benci nak merelevankan benda dengan makhluk yang tak perofesyional macam ni)
penulis bercakap dengan cikgu : oh cikgu penah dengaq pasai methuselah?
semua org termasuk cikgu dalam kelas serabut dan blur dan tak tau pasai Methuselah. ah, lupakan Methuselah. apa2 ajelah.
Rakan, kini kau selamatkanlah diri kau
Kerismas bertali arus menentang itu ini.
Ujian karbon hanya uji karbon mpatblaih lah. tak boleh uji umoq lah. yang dia uji hanya jangka masa dari kematian sampai ujian dilakukan lah.
ok penulis mcm whatever lah kau.
sampai satu tahap dia cakap
ujian karbon tak boleh menentukan umoq la.itu sampah. tongsampahkan itu.
disebabkan penulis sangat tsiqah dengan apa yang penulis tahu sebab rasanya baru baca pasai ujian karbon. tapi penulis mungkin salah.
macam mana penulis boleh pi baca pasai ujian karbon?oh, penulis mmg suka baca benda2 yang pelik2.
dengan lajunya penulis menwikipedia pasai ujian karbon.
alhamdulillah, tertera dalam wikipedia, yang ujian karbon ialah untuk mengesahkan hayat/umoq sesuatu makhluk.
nah hamekkau.
lepaih kerismas baca kat wikipedia, dia sengap macam tikuih. selepas mengtongsampahkan fakta, tiada kata maaf diucapkan. takpa la, penulis tak perlukan maaf dari orang mcm kau kerismas.

Pengajaran dari cerita panjang berjela ini ialah, bak kata cikgu yang skeptikal tu, janganlah kau pung pang benda yang kau tak tau sangat.
Pengajaran lain, cubalah hormat pandangan orang lain. boleh kalau nak tak bersetuju, tapi luahkanlah dengan relevandan bertempat. buang sikap suka memprovok tu.
adios.

Freezing Winter

Back in winter 2008/2009, I was still in tropical Palachova although outside were piles of snow and temperature averaging -10 degrees. I need no socks and sweaters to keep me warm because we had the heaters full blast and we didnt have to pay extra for it.

But continuing with the habit when we moved into private apartment is a huga mistake. and it took us years and thousands of crowns before we learned our lesson.
That it is always ok to return to a freezing home. turn the heater on few hours before you sleep and still don't put it on full blast.
Ask the landlord to seal any gap. the gaps are point of entry of cruel wind and decrease the efficiency of house heating. The cost is not your problem. it's the landlord problem.
it's cheaper to be decked in socks and sweaters/jumpers. unless you don't mind paying an arm for the luxury to go around your house sporting spaghetti top and shorts in the winter.
it's ok to have very warm bath (because I always wash once a day in winter and that's it)but it's always better to do dishes using lukewarm water. don't keep the water running all the time. scrub all in one go and wash all in another go.
on top of all these, make yourself warm. drink hot cocoa and tea or coffee.whatever you like.

Be smart and be warm.
And all I wish is a snowy winter. at least it compensates the bitterness of the cold.

Communication

One of the options that I considered after SPM was to study international relationships.
Thanks Allah, that didn't get realised. Phew!
I deluded myself that I am diplomatic at my very best.
I mean it's hard to find someone as honest as moi.
If you grow a belly, I will not tell you that u are in shape.
But delusion is, well, delusion.

There's difference in being honest and tactless.
and I am lousy with words when it comes to verbal communication.
I once set fire ablaze by asking my teacher what is his motive wanting us to still go for marching band.
I had no idea that the word motive carry such an intensity.
Many times, in the midst of conversation, I'll go rummaging through my brain trying to find the word.

anyway back to the topic.
have you ever get snail mails, emails or flymails aka surat layang?
not the cards that say happy birthday and pen off with sender's signature.
I am talking about personal kind of messages.
Like the snail mail your friend wrote to you detailing about her current life, obsessions and inquiring about yours.
The cards that's filled to the brim with words.
have you ever got anything like that?

if you do, you should know the feeling of reading through the contents.
the comfort and joy that piece of parchment brings to you
you are swimming through the letters.
I try to find that feeling in these particular letters.
I read them through and through.
when i started, I am totally at a different wavelength from the sender.
membaca tanpa jiwa. tahu?
but glory be to Allah, I am slowly getting there, trying to swim in the words.
trying to understand and live through the contents.

on another note, I am currently reading Reclaim Your Heart.
First chapter is about attachments.
It totally reached out to me.
I used to think that I keep the minimum ties. You see, I am afraid of commitments. I shy away from posts in societies, I don't form an item with another friend, and as much as I love my family, I am still in a limbo whether to stay with them or keep being a nomad.
More than I am afraid to hurt others by crushing their expectation that I will be there for them, I am more afraid to be left.
becaused actually, I am the one to get attached. *sigh*

i finished the attachment chapter and went into love chapter.
I was like, uhum,uhum, reading through the chapter.
total disconnection apart from the last part.
up to now I still can not relate to what the author is saying about love.
to say that I have never be in love is stretching the boundaries too much.
Hands down I love my folks and my brothers
Maybe the writer is talking a lot about ajnabi love (love between a man and a woman)
and my greatest concern is to not enter into a man-woman relationship other than nikah.
= I have never experienced love firsthand.
I may not look much like it but I know my limits.
I had my fair share of infatuations and close calls to commit to relationship as a teenager but to go on a date is a complicated maths ~ do i have to really be superfine to eat even when my stomach is grumbling? are the investions like gifts and paid meals worth it? and most importantly why the heck would I want to go on a date when I can't even hold hands.
i am stingy like that because a relationship outside marriage is like a spiderweb.

i rambled enough. would you please keep this just in the confine of my comment box or yourself. thank you =)

The Beautiful Past

I had always miss my days before i started school. I still do but now with the realisation that my dears are not mine to keep. Like other things in this world, they are not eternal. And today i would write about the things that i still remember because when i counted earlier today it must have been a whopping 20 years since my earliest memory.

It's still glowing red in the morning when i walked with him to the market. I was showered, decked in the batik cut 2 pieces and looked like tikuih teghejun tepong like what his friend said. He bought the fishes and then we cross the road and climbed up to buy veges.he got ginger bulb. Then to the breakfast van. I don't want pulut inti. I just hate it. He bought breakfast for everyone. I was too small to ponder.but now i want to tell him thank you for bringing me along and because i took pride in it when people fawned and said cucu man ka. I would always be enthranced by the lion sculptures on the compound of Yahong Art Gallery and would always stop and he was ever so patient.

Back home he made sure i settle down with nasi lemak and warned me to not eat the shrimp head. And i always do the opposite as i was told (in fact i was like that until i graduate from school). So he ran to my rescue from cleaning the fishes when i barfed.

Talk about being my hero. He's the one who darted inside when i pooped out ascaris lumbricoidales and screamed my lung oout.he took care of my bottom and my products. And still managed to put 2 milos on the table to console the poor scared out of her wit little girl. Drink milo in feeding bottle and i shall poop more worms or drink from the mug and be worm free, he told me. My choice is obvious.

I love his asam pedas and his singgang with bunga kincham.i have always miss the latter because nobody ever duplicate his version nor have i ever has anything like that on my table ever again.

We'd stop by shop en route to the beach.i always wanted to try yogurt but he said i'll surely barf. Usually it's sumi, jelly, pudding or vitagen. And it is vitagen that greeted me on his deathday. I was in school in another town and he was out with my 2 brothers to get drinks for the workers and he bought 3 vitagens.he didn't forget me...

One day he came home telling me he saw a girl with beads in her hair and since i am so fascinated by the story he brought me to see it for myself.

We had our coffee time. With him, i drink off the saucer because it was too hot for me to drink off the cup. And he put the egg in my drink and whisked it for me. With roti canai, i started with kuah banjir style. He was the one responsible to teach me that i can tore the hread and dip it or i can substitute dhal with susu pekat.and feed me keledek or sukun goreng.

He let me chase the crabs, teach me to trap chicks so that they don't stray. Never let me play behind the house of which there's gushing very small stream.

He slept on hard bench covered by white cloth with blue ship imagee. We both slept outside.me in my buaian.and yes i vividly remember it because there is time when i woke up to eerie feeling and dog howling.

I dreamt that i lost him.and when he was taken away i was devastated. I can handle berita tv1 everyday if i get him back. And wallahi 16 years on i still miss him. May Allah loves him and take care of him mire than like what he has shown towards me.

TTS

TTS stands for tempur tanpa senjata.

Impression

On the way to camp, I overheard our soon to be trainer talking about TTS. I never know there's such thing in PLKN. I mean, when you are talking about PLKN, the things that reflect it are drilling, kayaking, abseilling, obstacles and patriotic courses. Not tae kwon do. But hey, we are going to do tae kwon do as well. First impression ~ it's gonna be a cool thing. In SOKSEK, I saw the tae kwon do club doing their things under the shade. Even in TV they show the tae kwon do class in in a big room. and they were wearing those white cloth and coloured belt.

Reality

TTS is indeed tae kwon do. Except that we did it under the scorching 3 pm sun in our soft blue tshirt, tucked in black scarf and padded tracksuit. Plus the fact that when you shove you hand forth and back, you shout T!-T!-S! instead of Tae!-Kwon!-Do!

Anyway, they taught us to punch and high kick and low kick the air, and also defense movement.

Instead of receiving belt, we got new shade (of skin).

I have no complaint though. You don't pay for the lesson. And you get to T!-T!-S! amidst sunshine, green and tarmac.

Disfigured Model

Dr Oculus was passing the eye model to the classand telling us to return it wholly without any cornea or lens missing.